Target

I am fed up of paying £4.95 a week, I want my £20-£25 back a month. That will allow me to have my lashes done every other month or get a new outfit or put it towards a trip away, over 12 months it would be £257 I would be saving……..

The easy option is to stop going to group, but I enjoy it. I like the accountability of getting weighed each week, I like getting a shiny sticker at my next milestone. If I don’t go to group I have no accountability and my weight will spiral out of control, I know it will. So what I need to do is get to target, hit my milestone where I feel comfortable and then I can stop paying.

When I first started going almost 2 years ago, I decided that I wanted to lose 2 stone and that I would be happy with that weight loss. I am 5.5lb away from that, or I was when I got weighed last week, when this goes live it probably wont be true. Do I feel ready to call target? I am not sure, I am loving that I am a comfortable size 14 in most shops. I am pretty happy with my size and feel more body confident than ever. However, I am wondering if I was to go a little bit further, maybe 2.5 stone award should be my target? Then I wonder if I will ever be happy!

I know my body cant cope when I lose too much, it panics and I start to put weight on, I cant maintain what the NHS believes my weight should be in line with my BMI. Ultimately, I just want to be at a weight where I can go in to a shop and not have to worry as I can just pick a size up and know it fits. I can do that now, so what I am waiting for? Nothing is what I am waiting for, so I have a plan.

I am going to call target on 13th June, just over 2 years since my journey started. That is 8 weigh ins to go, my aim is to get that 5.5lb off and call target at my 2 stone award BUT ultimately I would be overjoyed if I could get my 2.5 stone award.

So the plan is moving forward, power through – write everything down. Stick to plan, have 1 cheat meal or day each week and that doesn’t have to be on the Thursday after weigh in.

I can’t wait to call target and get my money back each week – the challenge then will be staying within range and maintaining that weight.

Please be kind – keep temptation away!

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Judgement

This week whilst I was making a brew at Slimming World waiting for Image Therapy to start I was joined at the hot water urn by an older lady who was just in front of me in the queue for the scales.

She asked how I got on, a usual question between members ‘lost 1/2 a pound’, I replied cheerily to which she swiftly replied with a concerned look on her face ‘oh, I bet you are disappointed‘. After a quite a hormonal week, at one point this week I decided I didn’t like any of the human race, my blood started to boil and the stirring of my tea got a tad more aggressive. ‘Actually no I’m really happy, as in 14 weeks I would have lost 7lb, all the little halves add up!‘ I tried to be cheery through gritted teeth, she commented that she would have been disappointed and was glad to have lost a pound. I then remembered Janice (that’s my fake name for her) and that a couple of weeks back she wanted to get 7lb off before going on holiday and missed out by 1/2lb, I felt bad for her, however now I was like ha! you wouldn’t have been disappointed then would ya! 

Anyway, she went on to say that I didn’t have much more to lose surely, blood boiling even more, so when I replied that I actually had 3 stone to lose she looked surprised and was like surely not. So I thought sod it, I am going to over share, so I openly told her that following guidance from my consultant that’s what I needed to lose & started to walk back to my seat thinking she would give up. Oh heck no she didn’t, she then persisted to say that sometimes medical professionals are wrong and they want you to be unhealthily thin, at this point I was wishing someone would come rescue this woman from her potential death by words.

My reaction? I told her that no illnesses are visible and that I need to lose that weight to make my body function normally and healthily and that I was not looking to be thin, but to be healthy. 

Thankfully, before I really went off on one, I noticed a missed call from my brother so I make my excuses and called him back whilst taking my seat.

Normally, things like that I would brush off and get over within minutes, however this one has stuck with me. How dare someone who does not know me whatsoever think its appropriate to judge my weight loss that week OR my health OR how (cringe) thin I am?! Janice does not know my story, she does not know why I joined Slimming World or that I have been (extra cringe) thin before.

Its people like that who really get my back up.

For the longest time I have tried really hard not to pass judgement on anyone based on their weight, so what if someone weights 20 stone or 8 stone, it doesn’t change who they are. They may be on their own journey and who am I to judge how they are doing or where they are going. I have a lovely friend that I met recently who wasn’t happy with her weight and so is doing her damn hardest to put ON weight and I for one am proud of her for wanting to make a change to her body for HER.

Why can’t we all just accept each other for who we are and not pass any judgement? In the environment of a slimming club, be it weight watchers or slimming world everyone is there for one thing so why WHY WHY would you question, judge or belittle anyone’s achievement?

Literally, I am still fuming……

But do you know what, when I next see Janice I wont bite her head off, I would avoid her like the plague, I will ask her how she did on the scales and congratulate her for every victory no matter how big or small and I will console her on her unexpected gains. Because I am the better person, I wont judge her like she did me and I wont question her story like she questioned mine.

If I can ask you all to do one thing this week, its to try really hard not to pass judgement on someone when you know nothing about their story, or do you what, even if you do know their story. Still don’t judge them, just love them, even if they don’t ask for it.

Emma xxx

Normal

Sooooo earlier this week I had an appointment with an endocrinologist at my local hospital for my PCOS. I was originally referred to a gynae last year, but after a follow up appointment earlier in the year I was discharged as I wasn’t ready to start looking into my fertility any deeper.

After a catch up with my GP and figuring out what I want to do about my PCOS he decided and agreed with the gynae that an appointment with an endocrinologist was the best option. I did some googling about what they look into for PCOS, but its all quite limited and not clear – apart from that they are there to help with hormone imbalances, which is what PCOS is.

I had been quite nervous leading up to my appointment, I know what my body needs to do to reduce the external symptoms, but will power is stopping me. However, even weeks where I am 100% on plan, nothing happens – perhaps I wanting results too quickly? It had left me wondering what else they can suggest – are they going to put me on more meds? Will they actually help me?

But what I keep asking myself is when will I be normal?

I get so cross at myself for asking that question because I am normal, for ME. My normal isn’t the same as your normal and your normal isn’t the same as your next door neighbours. Surely that is what makes us all unique and brilliant? I am trying to encourage myself and others to remember that we are enough as we are, there is no normal, but sometimes you can forget this.

Sat in the waiting room flicking through a magazine that’s over a year old, what comes on the radio? The Spice Girls. Instantly, any worries I have and all the fears I feel are banished. I am here, getting help for a problem that is the root of all my insecurities and makes me feel less of a woman. I am here to turn things around and put a step forward in the right direction.

In fact, I am going to treat you to a tune……

 

After that short Spice Girl break, we continue! After listening to my PCOS journey and medical history and some family medical history we get to talking. Initially we talk about about fertility & he sets the record straight that actually concieving wont be as difficult as I have been told before by previous GPs, dependent on how my ovulation cycles are I should be fine. Even if it doesn’t happen right away there are plenty of medications that can assist and he was actually really confident which is quite reasurring!

We got onto talking about hirutism and how much of a frustration it is for me, he advised that he could put me on a testosterone blocker which will help BUT that it does come with the risk of kidney failure and weekly blood tests for a long time. So I decided that at the moment I don’t want to take that risk on and would try something different, we spoke about how weight loss can have a big impact on the way that hormones work and he told me what I have been hearing for the longest time.

I need to lose weight, to reset my hormones and help my body.

I must have looked quite downcast & he reassured me that it is possible and I can do it as I have done before as I told him. I said that I am going to slimming world, but truthfully not really sticking to it but that I dont think Metformin is helping either. So his suggestion was to up my metformin to 2000mg a day & stick to the Slimming World plan & I should start to see results, when I asked him how much I needed to lost to reset my body, he suggested I look at what I need to do to get within a healthy BMI range. We agreed that I would go back in 3 months time & have bloods done beforehand to make sure that there wasn’t anything else hormonal going on.

So, I came away a bit disappointed that still the option is losing weight & thinking that losing weight would be the 1 think we didn’t discuss! However, this is it, I need to start looking after my body better, I need to fuel my body the right way to help it function better – that is the fix. Me.

Back to basics I go, I am writing everything down, I am counting my syns and healthy extras. I am back in the zone, not for anybody else, but for me. I dont want to SKINNY or THIN, I want to be HEALTHY. I want to allow my body to function how it should do, I have a goal, but I wont share it.

I just ask that family and friends are supportive and understand that if I say NO its for my HEALTH.

Whilst I am disappointed that I can’t get any more help than what I have currently, I would rather have to be the one to reset my body than put something into my body that could lead it to fail. I started to increase the metformin that day, its just 2 days in as I write this, currently no problems with my digestive system (what a win), but I am unusually tired and feel like you do before you get fluey, like a bit body achy. Hopefully my body handles the 500mg increase well and I see a great loss on the scales this week, but I am prepared.

I will update you all in a few weeks time with how things are going – hopefully it will be good news!

Love

Emma xxx

I Want To Be A Loser!

It has been a while since I have posted about my weight, Monday night I had my last weigh in before holiday. I put on, I knew I would but its OK, I lost – I didn’t see it coming. So I am pleased to say I am going to Vegas 10lb lighter than what I was when I started on this journey and that’s OK!

However, when I get back from holiday there are a few things that I would love to be thinner for, first thing is my Cocktails & Cupcakes Girls Night! Its late June and I cant wait, all my girls are coming over we are going to have the fire pits going, cocktails flowing and yummy cupcakes. I would LOVE to have got my club 10 award by then, its only 7lb less than what I am now, I can do that!

Not long after that is my cousins wedding in July. I don’t think its unrealistic to have hit my 1.5st award by then, I will have a new front number then and will be a lot closer to Target!

The next mission then is my Birthday, I would LOVE to be a Target by then, but I think that is unrealistic, so 2st is my aim! I would hope by Hayley’s Hen Night in November I would be a Target, I would have been on my Slimming World journey for 1 year  at that point and if I have hit my Target I would be a total of 2st 12lb lighter.

HOWEVER! With every goal there is the risk that you wont succeed, if I don’t I wont be letting anyone down but myself. So as a note to me – here is a reminder of why I re-started my weight loss journey!

– Level Out My Hormones To Aid With My PCOS

– Be In A Healthy Weight Range

– Be Happier In My Own Skin

I have even made the decision not to waste my money on FOOD! This means, not buying a cheeky subway after weigh in on a Monday or sweets or a quick lunch because I was too lazy to bring something from home! I am limiting my funds because I’m saving and I don’t want to waste my “fun” money on Food! I want to enjoy it, I want to buy clothes or go to the cinema or socialize with my friends. Food doesn’t give you any companionship or achievements, so why waste unnecessary money on it! I have even said that I am not bringing myself back any food from America, apart from for my Dad. I wont eat it and if I do eat it, then I am sabotaging my own weight loss!

Lets do this!

 

 

My Biggest Enemy

I have one enemy in this world and its something I have hated for 10 years now, its called

Hirsutism

I have touched upon this on blogs that I have written before about my PCOS, but as it is my biggest enemy and my biggest personal issue I felt it deserved its own special time on my blog! I am unsure if my excess hair is as a result of my PCOS or if it is hereditary as there are females in my family that also suffer from this.

For those of you that dont know what Hirsutism is, it basically means excess hair in an area that women may not necessarily grow hair, which isnt exactly the most attractive thing you can have, especially as a young woman!

I have been doing some research recently to see what the causes of Hirsutism are and its actually really quite interesting and has really opened my eyes to my current diet. Basically recent studies have proven that high levels of insulin increase the development of Hirsutism, looking on good old wikipedia it does state that the above theory about insulin goes hand in hand with observations that obese women are at high risk of becoming hirsute (so basically lose some weight!!).

Now I know that Insulin has something to do with diabetes, but I am not 100% sure how the body creates insulin or how I can lower my levels of insulin to help reduce my Hirsutism. So I am going to have quick google and share what I find!

Guess what – Insulin is another bloody hormone, because I dont have too many already floating around my body! Its produced by the Pancreas to help turn sugar into engery. Another effect of insulin is to act on the ovaries to cause them to produce the male hormone testosterone.

Interestingly enough some websites claim that Insulin is the cause of PCOS, stating that women with PCOS have Insulin Resistance, meaning our bodies are resistant to the normal effect of Insulin and as a result more Insulin is produced to keep blood sugar levels normal. As a result of our bodies producing more Insulin, causes our bodies to produce more testosterone causing fewer eggs to release from our ovaries, excess hair growth and can even be the cause of weight gain!

At this point in writing this, I have changed my mind. Insulin is my enemy……Hirsutism has taken a back step, I have realised I can get rid of him when I get rid of her (Insulin)!

Its Just A Big Merry Go Round!

Its Just A Big Merry Go Round!

So to knock Insulin and Hirsutism on the head I need to figure out how to lower my Insulin levels, all websites are pointing me to 2 things, exercise and dieting. I have to admit since breaking my foot last year, the gym hasnt exactly been my top priority, but I want to reduce my Hirsutism so I need to go back, in fact I might even go tomorrow before work! Dieting…..no one likes to do it, I have been doing Slimming World on and off for a long time now, so I know what I should and shouldnt be eating, I just need to put it into practice.

Here we go again……

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Confusing Diets & PCOS!

OK, as you know for as long as I can remember I have been on a diet of some decription – mainly Slimming World! However, I have a new issue – I have been doing SW for so long that I CHEAT and only to myself! I dont count syns, I eat more A or B options than I should and get annoyed when I dont see any results on the scales!

Recently I have been researching what diets are best for people who suffer with PCOS, as for anyone who has followed this blog from the beginning will know after reading will know that I was diagnosed with this condition when I was 16/17, so almost 10 years ago!

I have read up of the typical symptoms of PCOS and can see myself in them so much & I want to do something to reduce these for me today, tomorrow and 10 years time! Here are the common symptoms of PCOS as per the NHS Website:

irregular periods or no periods at all
difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate)
excessive hair growth (hirsutism) – usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks
weight gain
thinning hair and hair loss from the head
oily skin or acne

What i didnt realise is the risks that having PCOS can impact, women who suffer from PCOS are more at risk of the below as well:

type 2 diabetes – a condition that causes a person’s blood sugar level to become too high
depression and mood swings, as the symptoms of PCOS can affect your confidence and self-esteem
high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which can lead to heart disease and stroke
women who are overweight may also develop sleep apnoea – a condition that causes interrupted breathing during sleep

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Out of that list of 10 things, hand on heart I can say that at least 4 of those effect me and I want to do something about it, I want to be healthy for me. The big one that scares me on there is the difficulty of getting pregnant, I would love to one day (not in the near future) have a child and become a family with my significant other, but just like learning to save properly, I need to take this into my own hands and get something into action NOW!! Sitting around for the next 2 years carrying on as I am wont get me to a healthy weight range, it wont stop the excess hair growth, it wont stop my hair being thin, it wont stop my moodiness (especially about my weight) and it wont take the risk of diabetes or high blood pressure away either!

I have been looking at diets online and its really confusing, what is the best one out there and what should I be doing for me. Some of you will be reading this and saying ‘it depends on the person, different things work for different people’ and yes you are right, but unfortunately I am not the sort of person that can read a diet and go ‘Ok I know what I can/cant eat now’ I am not a good cook, so I need something written down so I know what I can and can’t do – which is why a slimming club worked for me, but I just dont think Slimming World is the right place for me at the moment.

As I write this, I have made the decision that I am going to book an appointment with my GP and get this all under control, request to see a dietician/nutrionist to help me things moving and get this show on the road! In the mean time, whilst I await an appointment (because it takes FOREVER!) I am going to cut carbs, diary & junk food out of my diet and keep exercising and just try to stay focused on the end goal. I know I can do this, I have lost the weight before I just need something or someone to help me this time…..maybe going back to Slimming World will help?!

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