Target

I am fed up of paying £4.95 a week, I want my £20-£25 back a month. That will allow me to have my lashes done every other month or get a new outfit or put it towards a trip away, over 12 months it would be £257 I would be saving……..

The easy option is to stop going to group, but I enjoy it. I like the accountability of getting weighed each week, I like getting a shiny sticker at my next milestone. If I don’t go to group I have no accountability and my weight will spiral out of control, I know it will. So what I need to do is get to target, hit my milestone where I feel comfortable and then I can stop paying.

When I first started going almost 2 years ago, I decided that I wanted to lose 2 stone and that I would be happy with that weight loss. I am 5.5lb away from that, or I was when I got weighed last week, when this goes live it probably wont be true. Do I feel ready to call target? I am not sure, I am loving that I am a comfortable size 14 in most shops. I am pretty happy with my size and feel more body confident than ever. However, I am wondering if I was to go a little bit further, maybe 2.5 stone award should be my target? Then I wonder if I will ever be happy!

I know my body cant cope when I lose too much, it panics and I start to put weight on, I cant maintain what the NHS believes my weight should be in line with my BMI. Ultimately, I just want to be at a weight where I can go in to a shop and not have to worry as I can just pick a size up and know it fits. I can do that now, so what I am waiting for? Nothing is what I am waiting for, so I have a plan.

I am going to call target on 13th June, just over 2 years since my journey started. That is 8 weigh ins to go, my aim is to get that 5.5lb off and call target at my 2 stone award BUT ultimately I would be overjoyed if I could get my 2.5 stone award.

So the plan is moving forward, power through – write everything down. Stick to plan, have 1 cheat meal or day each week and that doesn’t have to be on the Thursday after weigh in.

I can’t wait to call target and get my money back each week – the challenge then will be staying within range and maintaining that weight.

Please be kind – keep temptation away!

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Reality

Since August 2015 I have attended therapy once a year, not your conventional therapy and its not for everyone. Most of you who know me will know what I am referring to, but for those of you that don’t its a few hours out my schedule with Dimples & Daisies on a Liberty shoot. I wont go into what they are all about, for those of you that have been reading this blog for a long time will have read all about it before & if you scroll up you will see a page dedicated to my posts about my experiences with the team.

As with every shoot, this one was booked spontaneously, I had itchy feet and felt I needed my cup refilling but I wanted this one to be something different, nearing 30 I wanted something to look back on when I am 60 and see just how beautiful I am, naturally.

For those of you that have been reading recently you will know that I am not regularly waxing the beard & that it just gets a trim when I feel its getting ridiculous. So I made the decision that this time I wasn’t going to wax it, booking the shoot just 2 weeks before I knew I didn’t have the money to go to a salon AND I have decided I will never self wax again. Did I have my doubts? Yes, of course even the day before I was thinking is it too late – should I just wax it myself? But in reality, I didn’t want the pain and I thought would I rather have a rash or the hair – weirdly that is a battle the hair won. Getting ready on the day was no different to getting ready for afternoon tea the weekend before, I did my hair and base make up & headed off to the shop.

The shoot was everything it always is, did I get naked? Of course – it wouldn’t be a shoot without it. But do you know what did happen, it wasn’t until I was stood completely starkers in a field full of corn with my arms in the air that I remembered I hadn’t waxed and that I was there feeling as free as a bird & so comfortable in my own skin with excess hair on my face, chest & stomach – partially waxed legs and well I wont talk about anything else. I remember the realization and taking a deep breath, I had shocked myself about how at ease I felt and how easy it was for me to forget that it was there.

The week wait to get my photos went by in a blur, work has been really busy so I didn’t really have time to reflect and think about the shots. However, I did say to at least one of my closest  friends that I probably wouldn’t come away with any photo’s and I would just have the free one this time as I can’t imagine I would like any of them.

I didn’t realise how wrong I could be.

On the way to the shop, I wasn’t bothered about the photo’s it was almost like I was just going through the motions, sat on the sofa with Holly surrounded by women getting ready for their Tribal shoot that evening, I started the mammoth scroll through 40 odd photos. I was maybe 10 photo’s in before I realised & remembered that I hadn’t waxed.

I hadn’t noticed & if I did my brain either didn’t register it or didn’t care.

I could have scrutinized every single photo after that, but I didn’t, I just fell deeper in love with every single one as they all represented the real me. The one that my friends and family see every day & love even with what I feel is something so unsightly. Did I have a little cry? Yes I did & Holly joined in, she then shared my story and why I do Liberty with the girls and they all wanted to see the pictures and of course said how amazing they were.

For the longest time I have felt ugly and I have let the symptoms of my PCOS define who I believe I am, but as I turn 30 in a matter of days, I am feeling more & more comfortable with myself and how I look. I am seeing for the first time what everyone else see’s, yes there will still be people that will judge based on appearance and not like what they see, but do you know what for the first time in around 15 years I am finally able to look at myself with an honest eye and say that no matter what I am proud of who I am.

So, in honor of my impending 30th Birthday, here is the real me…..just not in my birthday suite!

Corn II

I did something a little naughty the other week that if you follow my Instagram story you will have figured out, I spontaneously booked myself for another Liberty shoot with less than 2 weeks to go!

I have been feeling like I need a little pick me up for a while and I knew that some time with the Dimples & Daisies team would do the trick. I wasn’t really sure what to book myself on to or if I even wanted to do another shoot, but trawling through Instagram one caught my eye and I thought sod it, I have enough in the bank and I need this for me. Earlier that day walking round the town centre I decided I was spending too much money on food and that I dont treat myself to something nice very often, so with that in my mind I just booked myself on there and then.

So, the other Sunday afternoon I headed to the Dimples & Daisies studio in Southsea to be glammed up and head over to the Sunflower field with the rest of the girls on the shoot. We were all made up and deciding what clothes to wear when Holly got a call from another photographer to say that the sunflower field was ruined & they were all dead, the pictures were so upsetting! But fear not, they managed to source another option and we headed to Lordington Farm to have some fun in the corn!

Its not my first shoot in the corn, but that was back August 2015 and the photography style has changed so much since then and I am a completely different person now to what I was then.

FLASHBACK

Now before every shoot I would normally wax the beard and get rid of any excess hair that my body seems to love to grow, but I wanted this one to be a little different, I wanted it to be authentic. I wanted to look back on these photo’s in years to come and see the real me, the one that everyone else see’s. Believe me, there is no way to feel more real, authentic and true to yourself than being stood naked in a field of corn!

But do you know what is even stranger? Stood there having my photo’s taken, I was embracing everything the surroundings & the sun beating down on me & blissful peace on the farm. It wasn’t until about 5 minutes in that I realised that I hadn’t waxed & I didn’t feel insecure about my body or appearance at all I felt totally at ease with who I was. Sat writing this, I am in 2 minds about my photos, part of me cant wait to see the pictures, firstly how different they are but also to just see my appearance. However the other part of me is so incredibly anxious, what if I hate the way I look in them, what if it gives me any more issues with my body image and confidence? What if I go back 10 steps?

WHAT IF! 

I mean I don’t have long to wait, I pick up my photos in just over a week’s time, so stay tuned to see how things go!

Emma x

Benefits

I recently was awarded my 1 stone award at slimming world, its been a long time coming and I am so pleased to have achieved this before going on our holidays & I am hoping to have my 1.5st award too – but that may be a little too adventurous!

I have been back on this slimming world journey since 1st June 2017, at first I kept quiet wanting to not draw attention, but as time went on I became more open. Its almost taken me a year to get my stone off, but thats because I have still been living a normal life and understood that i cant be on plan all the time and with that will come some gains.

But, I cant help but already see and feel some of the benefits to having 14lb off my body & I wanted to share these with you.

  • My clothes fit better, they arent tight & uncomfortable. I can fit into dresses i havent been able to wear for 2 years, I feel confident to try different styles & although I still see areas I can improve being able to take your jeans off without undoing them is pretty awesome!
  • My excess hair is lighter. My constant battle, is slowly becoming managable I am not sure if its weightloss, metformin or them combined, but the hair is growing back lighter and thinner however I cant comment on the speed as I havent waxed since xmas!
  • I am learning to like myself again. I am starting to like my body and what it does for me if I look after it properly. I dont mind that my legs are thicker than some or that I may have bigger hips. I feel pretty ok about who I am and although I have a way to go to balance my hormones for my PCOS, I can feel that i am starting to accept who I am.
  • My relationship with food is better, I am more inclined to go for healthier options than crisps or chocolate. Dont get me wrong I still have my moments, but I can say no alot more easily now than I used to.

Overall, these 14lbs have been hard to lose probably the hardest its ever taken me & I will admit I am nervous about 2 weeks in cuba and rectifying the gain when I get back. But I know that if I can remember my end goal of getting my body working again and not having to worry about my beard then I am sure I will find that will power again.

For everyone else on a similar journey, dont give up even when the road seems long and never ending. You will get there and the feeling you get when you hit that milestone feels so much more rewarding than the 5 minute satisfaction of that chocolate bar or packet of crisps.

You wont feel guilty for your weightloss, but you will after that takeaway.

Love

Emma xx

Normal

Sooooo earlier this week I had an appointment with an endocrinologist at my local hospital for my PCOS. I was originally referred to a gynae last year, but after a follow up appointment earlier in the year I was discharged as I wasn’t ready to start looking into my fertility any deeper.

After a catch up with my GP and figuring out what I want to do about my PCOS he decided and agreed with the gynae that an appointment with an endocrinologist was the best option. I did some googling about what they look into for PCOS, but its all quite limited and not clear – apart from that they are there to help with hormone imbalances, which is what PCOS is.

I had been quite nervous leading up to my appointment, I know what my body needs to do to reduce the external symptoms, but will power is stopping me. However, even weeks where I am 100% on plan, nothing happens – perhaps I wanting results too quickly? It had left me wondering what else they can suggest – are they going to put me on more meds? Will they actually help me?

But what I keep asking myself is when will I be normal?

I get so cross at myself for asking that question because I am normal, for ME. My normal isn’t the same as your normal and your normal isn’t the same as your next door neighbours. Surely that is what makes us all unique and brilliant? I am trying to encourage myself and others to remember that we are enough as we are, there is no normal, but sometimes you can forget this.

Sat in the waiting room flicking through a magazine that’s over a year old, what comes on the radio? The Spice Girls. Instantly, any worries I have and all the fears I feel are banished. I am here, getting help for a problem that is the root of all my insecurities and makes me feel less of a woman. I am here to turn things around and put a step forward in the right direction.

In fact, I am going to treat you to a tune……

 

After that short Spice Girl break, we continue! After listening to my PCOS journey and medical history and some family medical history we get to talking. Initially we talk about about fertility & he sets the record straight that actually concieving wont be as difficult as I have been told before by previous GPs, dependent on how my ovulation cycles are I should be fine. Even if it doesn’t happen right away there are plenty of medications that can assist and he was actually really confident which is quite reasurring!

We got onto talking about hirutism and how much of a frustration it is for me, he advised that he could put me on a testosterone blocker which will help BUT that it does come with the risk of kidney failure and weekly blood tests for a long time. So I decided that at the moment I don’t want to take that risk on and would try something different, we spoke about how weight loss can have a big impact on the way that hormones work and he told me what I have been hearing for the longest time.

I need to lose weight, to reset my hormones and help my body.

I must have looked quite downcast & he reassured me that it is possible and I can do it as I have done before as I told him. I said that I am going to slimming world, but truthfully not really sticking to it but that I dont think Metformin is helping either. So his suggestion was to up my metformin to 2000mg a day & stick to the Slimming World plan & I should start to see results, when I asked him how much I needed to lost to reset my body, he suggested I look at what I need to do to get within a healthy BMI range. We agreed that I would go back in 3 months time & have bloods done beforehand to make sure that there wasn’t anything else hormonal going on.

So, I came away a bit disappointed that still the option is losing weight & thinking that losing weight would be the 1 think we didn’t discuss! However, this is it, I need to start looking after my body better, I need to fuel my body the right way to help it function better – that is the fix. Me.

Back to basics I go, I am writing everything down, I am counting my syns and healthy extras. I am back in the zone, not for anybody else, but for me. I dont want to SKINNY or THIN, I want to be HEALTHY. I want to allow my body to function how it should do, I have a goal, but I wont share it.

I just ask that family and friends are supportive and understand that if I say NO its for my HEALTH.

Whilst I am disappointed that I can’t get any more help than what I have currently, I would rather have to be the one to reset my body than put something into my body that could lead it to fail. I started to increase the metformin that day, its just 2 days in as I write this, currently no problems with my digestive system (what a win), but I am unusually tired and feel like you do before you get fluey, like a bit body achy. Hopefully my body handles the 500mg increase well and I see a great loss on the scales this week, but I am prepared.

I will update you all in a few weeks time with how things are going – hopefully it will be good news!

Love

Emma xxx

Self Love

Recently I have been wondering if I have stopped caring about myself, my nails aren’t done as often as they could be, I don’t wax my “beard” as often as I used to and I honestly can’t remember the last time I brought myself some new clothes.

It has left me wondering, when did I fall out of love with myself?

I am going to slimming world, but even that after all the times I have been going over the past 10+ years, I have never struggled so much to lose weight and I am wondering if I have just resigned myself to thinking that I can’t?!

If I don’t love or care for myself, how can I expect others to?

This really hit me when we were getting ready to go to Budapest, normally I would have waxed my beard, put a new coat of nail varnish on my fingers and toes and perhaps brought something new to wear whilst we were away.

I didn’t and it was almost like I couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in, don’t get me wrong owning and running a house is hard work and that combined with a busy and sometimes stressful job means that I don’t want to come home and put myself through the pain of waxing, I would rather come home and write or watch a movie.

Then I considered if actually I am just getting a bit more comfortable in my skin and that what they say is true, the older you get the less you worry about what others think. However, I know that is not true, if it was I wouldn’t be pushing my GP and the entire NHS into doing something about my hirsutism and helping me to reduce my PCOS symptoms. So I have come to a conclusion.

I have stopped loving myself.

It’s true, the signs are there as they are with any relationship or friendship. The effort has stopped, I don’t put myself first (although that has never been the case), and I feel unworthy of nice things. I need to turn it around; I definitely feel that is why I have got myself in such tizz lately.

The Girl Power You are Enough Manifesto. | I promise to not be an asshole to myself. Hell, I promise to love myself. I will remember that my self-worth is not based on what I look like, how much I weigh, how many followers I have, or any other stupid crap that has nothing to do with who I am. I will empower other girls and women. I will be kind. Fiercely kind. I will have a sense of humor. I will do my best not to gossip, create drama, or judge others (or myself). I will remember that just...

Now painting my nails used to be my thing I would experiment with different styles and colours, for me it was a great way to be creative and just have some down time – Christ I even did a mini blog called Mani Monday a couple of years back – perhaps I need to get back into that routine? But whenever I did my nails, I felt good about myself, I felt that even if my excess hair was bad or I wasn’t happy with my appearance I knew my nails were always “on point”.

Why did that ever stop?

Self-waxing is horrible, painful and just takes a lot of courage, however I did this because I couldn’t afford the money to go and get waxed whilst saving and I also became unhappy with my beautician and if I am honest I actually felt embarrassed about having to going there. Now however, I still don’t have a lot of spare cash & I live in a different area so could find a new beautician, but the embarrassment of having to go for that reason is still deep inside.

I need to get over that.

It is their profession and they will have waxed worst areas! So I am going to check out beauticians in my local area and the prices and start taking care of myself a bit more, I know the hair has a massive impact on my self-confidence and my feeling of self-worth so if I can get that back under control it will be a step in the right direction.

We often are too harsh on ourselves and expect us to be capable of living a perfect life and have everything rosy with no problems. However, it is unrealistic, we will all fall out of love with ourselves at times and it is ok to recognise that, let’s just not set up camp and live there. I have been & if I am honest I have been living in that self-loathing camp for a while now but it’s not a great place to be.

So with a swift kick up my own backside, I am packing up my tent and moving on to somewhere better. Where I can be happier, stronger and more confident, a place where if I perhaps show myself and my body a little bit of love, it might show me how great it is in return.

I won’t lie, it won’t be an easy journey and I am sure I will make some backward steps along the way, but as I said in a previous post about my goals for 2018;

This is my year and I am NOT going to turn 30 as unhappy with my body as I have been in my 20’s.

PCOS Update

Thought it was about time I updated you on the ongoing battle that is PCOS, I cant remember the last time I wrote about it…maybe a month or 2 ago?

Anyway, nothing drastic has changed I am still on Metformin, no more horribly sick feelings (unless I eat too much dairy) and the headaches have gone (that could be because I need to wear glasses now) and the weight is slowly going off. That could be a mixture of things, the tablets or the diet, either way its a win.

However, the horrible side effects/symptoms are still here; the excess hair, the mood swings & the thinning hair are among just a few of them. With that said, I feel like I am kinda owning it at the moment, I feel like I have started to accept that this is me – in reality I am going to be living with PCOS forever. Yes, if my weight goes down then my symptoms do reduce so I know what I need to do to help myself.

I can’t remember where I was or who I was speaking with but they told me that when you get to your 30’s and upwards you start to be more accepting of yourself. I feel like I am starting to get to that point. For a long time I have joked about not caring about what anyone else thinks, when of course I always did. Recently though, I have found myself thinking that as long as I am happy and Matt still finds me attractive then sod what anyone else thinks.

Really, what does it matter. Who cares if people think your not “on trend” with your clothes choice, or your hair style isn’t current. The best accessory you can wear is your smile and you will only smile when you are happy with yourself and surrounded by those you love and make you happy. Stop wasting time surrounded by people who make you feel inadequate and make you unhappy. Life is far too short and you should spend it doing things that you love.

So yes, my PCOS is still here and do you know what? It always will be! BUT that is ok; it doesn’t define me, it isn’t who I am. Something that I always felt was a negative in my life and I have used as an excuse to hide away and be ashamed of myself, why?!

I am on a journey to reach an “ideal weight” and I will get there, but I am going to enjoy myself on the way. So although my Slimming World consultant might secretly judge me for the fact that I enjoy a takeaway or a night out every other week and that my weight isn’t going down as much as others. I dont flippin’ care. I am going to be trying to lose weight for as long as it takes me & as long as I can still run at the gym and can still do up my skinny jeans then I am happy!

The lesson we all need to learn, just be comfortable with you.

This Is A Tipsy Me, Happy To Have An Ice Lolly, At Goodwood With Family. But Most Of All – I Am HAPPY!

Love

Emma xxx