Tell Me

I have decided to write this, not for attention or because I want people to stroke my ego or anything but I just want to write it out and maybe someone will recognize that they feel the same and it may just help them.

I love meeting up with my friends & family especially if its been a while since we have seen each other its great to be in their company and really makes me feel content. However, I cant help but feel that I have nothing to offer them, perhaps that’s the wrong phrase, but I am not sure how else to word it. Every time you see a friend or a family member they ask how you are (easy to answer) and what you have been up to and that is the one I struggle with. I always feel like they have much more excitement going on in their lives that is worth talking about, or more recently I haven’t had any new news to share I am just living my life in my gorgeous little home with my lovely partner – there is nothing new. Its just making me dread being in social situations and really not wanting to talk about myself at all.

Yes, I suppose the biggest news I have is that my driveway is now finished and thats great and after being in our house for just over 2 years and the biggest job its a great feeling to be finished, but thats it. No-one else finds it exciting, yes they will be pleased for me but its not as exciting as a pregnancy, a baby update, a new puppy, wedding plans etc. yes friendship shouldn’t be about competing but it should be about having something to bring to the table surely?

I find myself sitting there around people avoiding questions about me or changing the topic of conversation on to someone else so the attention isn’t on me and my nothing news. Tell me I am not the only one?

On the odd time that I will have news and updates and things to share I get really excited and then come away deflated because my past behaviours that I have mentioned above has meant that people dont expect me to bring anything so I find that they then don’t bother asking me anything. Its really difficult for me as I am finding as I am growing older and really developing into myself especially since moving out, that I am quite a private person and I dont really like to share a lot. For me, I think it stems from past friendships where I have been burnt, let down, used or just abandoned. I know there are 2 sides to both stories and I figure I am not a perfect friend, but those experiences have left me cautious to really show the real me in case it goes wrong again.

I have realised when writing this that I have some sort of lack of confidence in my friendships, I am sat here wondering why anyone is friends with me and then saying to myself that I am being stupid and of course I have things to offer people. I just need to sort my head space out and realise that no matter how much or how little I have to talk about my real, true friends will want to hear it.

I really need to overcome this feeling of rejection that fear that I am not good enough or worthy of their time. Okay, my news might not be as exciting as theirs but they obviously want my company and care about me, so I need to sort this out. I am seeing a friend this weekend (its currently Monday), I have known her for around 7 years now and researchers say that means your friendship will last a life time, so I am going to be more open and try to let go of my fear.

Tell me I am not the only one who fears rejection by their friends. Tell me I am not the only one who worries they aren’t good enough. Tell me I am not the only one who appreciates their privacy.

Tell me I am not the only one who’s partner is their best friend.

Love

Emma xx

 

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Goals For 2018

Mid-December I found myself wanting to set myself some goals to achieve in 2018, not resolutions but things that I want to do to better myself, physically and mentally.

Whilst a lot of people will make resolutions, a lot will also not keep them and fail. I have never really set a resolution, not really, perhaps half-heartedly when I was younger and often said I want to lose weight or save more but like many I have never really kept to it.

However I want 2018 to be better, it’s the year I turn 30. I want to enjoy this year and I want to do things for me and to stop this horrible trait I seem to have picked up of putting others first and forgetting about me. I need to heed my own advice and do more things for me and learn to speak up and say that I am not happy or that I have been hurt.

So I have thought long and hard about the things I want to achieve in 2018 and thought I would share these with you and perhaps inspire you!

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Do More Writing. I love writing and always have done, its part of the reason why I blog. It keeps my mind focused and is a source of release for me. I have always been more creative that intellectual, always into music or reading (not so much art!) and I loved deciphering poetry at school as well. Over the past couple of years I have dabbled in story writing, just little chapters here and there when I have ideas, an avid daydreamer it’s a lovely way to bring stories to life. I would love to one day have something published, I am a long way from that, I am not where near being publish ready, but I want to write more, I want to get my stories out there, I want people to read more. So, my commitment to myself this year is to write. That might be blogs or stories but either way it’s about time that I started to do more of what I enjoy.

Read More. This really goes hand in hand with writing, I find the more I read the more inspired I am, it opens up my imagination and I drift off into another world. There is nothing I love more than to immerse myself into a good book, but I don’t give myself enough of a chance to do it. I am constantly checking my phone for social media updates or reading fake news, it doesn’t make my brain work and it doesn’t inspire my imagination. It’s easy and boring. So this year, I want to read more, I want to lose myself in worlds that talented authors have created, so send me your recommendations!

Be More Proactive. Last year I found myself waiting to be contacted by friends to meet up, not wanting to bother them in their busy lives to see if they have time for me. Then I would get upset if I hadn’t seen people for a long time or worse, I often got upset when I got let down at the last minute as I felt it was me that people didn’t want to see. However, I am starting to ignore the negative feelings that my brain keeps coming up with and remind myself that I am enough and if people don’t want to spend time with me then that is their loss. Although I am not an innocent party in this, as I mentioned above I don’t put myself out there as much as I could, so this year I am going to try to be more proactive put myself out there and arrange more things with my friends. Yes, it may mean I need to take some knock backs but with every knock back you just need to build yourself up stronger. So friends – be aware, I am coming for you!

Stay Healthy. I did a lot of work on myself in 2017 to kick start being healthier, I went back on Metformin to help with my PCOS and I started Slimming World to keep track of my weight. I am really pleased to say that I started 2018 lighter than my first weigh in back in June. I have lost weight, not enough that you would notice, but there has been a decent amount lost. However, my aim is not to lose weight, its to be healthy. So this year, I am going to try to be more active, I am not joining a gym or committing to exercising. However I might take a lunchtime stroll a few times a week, wear my fit bit more so I am aware of activity levels, keep going to slimming world, and drink more water. Those are all the bog standard things you can do, however I want to take care of my mental health too. I am not someone, to my knowledge, who suffers with depression however I have had panic attacks in the past. I just want to make sure that I am happy in my life and to do that sometimes you have to check out mentally. So I am going to take breaks from social media throughout the year, I am going to stop taking my phone to bed and buy an alarm clock, write thank you cards and finally recognize things that I am grateful for.

What are your goals for 2018?

Love

Emma xxx

Friendships

A couple of months ago, for those of you that follow my story will know that I attended my 3rd Liberty Shoot (you can read about it here) and loved every second of it.

I didn’t know anyone, so was forced to make conversation with other women and naturally provide support and encouragement, its just what happens on a shoot, you realise that as women we are there to help, guide and nurture each other not tear each other down.

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Anyway, all of the ladies that I met that day were battling their own demons and I can honestly say they all inspired me in their own way. However, I never expected to see or talk to them again, unless it was another shoot.

I posted my pics in our group and spoke about how much I loved them and what I got from the experience on the beach. I was really shocked to then see a friend request come through on Facebook from Charlotte, one of the ladies I had met that day. We exchanged messages for a while, before we decided we were going to meet up, dates changed due to other things going on but we eventually met up earlier in the week.

I was incredibly nervous the whole day, when you meet someone new and form a friendship as an adult its usually through mutual friends or you become friends through work or children etc. its not often that you meet someone randomly and then arrange to meet for a drink.

On the way I was giving myself a bit of a prep talk, not to be boring, remember to ask questions, not talk about myself too much and listen. Be an active listener.

I really didn’t need to worry, we got on really well, chatted for hours and it was just really natural. It didn’t feel forced and I had a really nice evening and came away feeling like I had made a new friend.

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We all go through seasons of our life where friendships change and it can be really easy to feel like you are alone and have no-one around you. However, I promise that if you just take a step back and look around, there will be people around you that are reaching out to you but you just cant see it because your chasing after a friend that isn’t being there for you.

I am not the most outgoing person and I definitely dont like to be the centre of attention and would prefer to be the care giver, the person that people come to with their problems rather than burden them with mine.

BUT I have learnt more recently that, those behaviours aren’t healthy and that isn’t allowing me to get fulfillment from my friendships. I need people to be there for me too, but I dont allow that. So I am actively trying to change that and whilst it may be difficult for me to open up, I know that it will be ok and I will feel happier.

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I guess what I am trying to say is, yes its weird making new friends as adults, but people come into our lives for a reason. I am not sure what the reason is that Charlotte & I have crossed paths and often you never find out, but I am looking forward to a new friendship and all the fun times that brings!

Emma xxx

Body Image!

Recently matt an I have found ourselves watching music channels and listening to music we grew up listening to…..dont get me wrong it can be very varied.

But tonight I was sat watching the Janet Jackson all for you video tonight thinking christ….she is thin there! Then I tried to remember back to when I first saw the video and I cant recall thinking anything about her weight, just how much I loved the track. Then we had a bit of the spice girls and the same thing happened…..

Favourite Janet Jackson Song

I am really struggling to comprehend how and when my brian got turned to mush and my first thought when listening to music has gone from thinking about the music to thinking about how thay person or group looks?! 

Why is that acceptable? Who cares how small or big someone is if they have a talent so great they have managed to rack up number one singles and albums or even smashing box office records?! 

I tell you where it came from. The media. It feeds us all postive and negative crap everyday. On one page it will be telling us to embrace our natural physiche and in the other it will be a pictures of up and coming trends NONE of which are regular sized women all smaller framed ladies. Then they have the audacity to praise companies who have “real” women representing thier brands!!! 

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!


Since when has it become acceptable to judge someone on their size? Why do advertisers and designers favour the slender frame? Surely they want to appeal to all women and promote a healthy body image to all women?! 
Do not even get me started on what this attitude must be doing to younger generations. 

A while ago I made decision to try really hard not to comment or judge people on thier weight, how they dress or how they look as is none of my business if someone has put on 2 stone in 2 months BUT I will praise someone if I know they are actively trying to amend thier appearance because they are unhappy. I would love to live in a world where we build each other, praise each other and accept people for who they are not how they look. 


So I ask of you, when you next turn to someone and go to say ooh she has put on weight or what is she wearing. Dont. You dont what that person is going through or if those jeans are the next size down from the ones they were in last week.

And for gods sake do not encourage our youngsters especially our girls to focus on how they look! Congratulate them for other things. Dont teach them the only way to get compliments is by how you look and what you wear. 

So please! Next time you start to judge others on their appearance, consider how you would feel if someone said the same things about you, your sister, your mother, your aunt, your cousin or even your daughter.

Emma x

Boredom Eating

It’s weigh in tomorrow, I am sat on my bed blogging and catching up on neighbours, I have eaten loads today and I am still hungry…..but hungry because I have nothing to do

I have realised I am your classic boredom eater and I have no idea how to solve it! Realistically this has probably been my problem for at least the last 6 months! Yes, I have my blog and my bucket list to keep me occupied & I also go to the gym, but that isn’t enough to keep me entertained.

I have associated sitting in my room surfing the web or watching crappy TV with some food of some description, I have also got used to snacking throughout the day at work and if there is birthday treats then surely it’s rude not to oblige and have some nibbles! But it needs to stop, I need to find ways to keep myself occupied and stop eating because it’s there OR because I have nothing else to do.

So here is a few rules I am putting in place to help me manage things better…….

1) Only Eat 3 Meals A Day – No Snacking
2) Do Not Eat After 7pm
3) Drink 2 Litres Of Water A Day
4) No Eating In My Room
5) No Social Media After 9pm – READ!!!

Now there may be occasions where this can’t happen, for example if I go out for dinner with friends etc, but if I can’t control 99% of my eating then that is the best step!

Now whilst I enjoy reading, going to the gym & blogging I need a new hobby and something to keep me occupied. I really enjoy travel especially the states and every time I look there is some where new I want to explore – maybe I can do something with that but what I am not sure yet…..

I am really pleased I have got this down on paper so that I can share this with the whole world! I have a plan and I want to stick to it, I need to find the will power to do it!

Emma

xxx