This post has been really hard to write, mainly because I just dont have much energy at the moment just feel exhausted to make the effort to do anything. Most days I just want to be in my PJs watching re-runs of friends and just not using my brain. But today, when I was hanging out my washing I realised it was October and that the past 2.5 months of my life have just gone by in a massive blur and I feel like I have just been carried along and not really living it.

Do you ever feel like that, where you are just watching your life go by but aren’t really in it?

I have had a difficult couple of months at work, I wont go in depth as I cant, but its been tough and really pushed me to my limit, tested my strength and I have got to the point where I have been generally just worn down. Initially I was solidering on and found it easy to let work end at 5pm and leave everything at the door, but over the past month I have found my attitude and approach at work has got to a place where I am constantly negative, stressed and exhausted. I like to think that I am the type of manager that can keep a game face on, but even that has slipped recently and I have noticed that whilst at work I am not the person I know I am normally & I have morphed into someone who I never wanted to become. What makes it even worse is that I have noticed this is seeping into my personal life & whilst I still think I am putting a good face on things, I am just going through the motions.

So whilst there has been a truck load of stuff going on at work, there has been a truck load of stuff going on in my personal life that I dont even think I have had chance to process. I turned 30 in August and whilst I know I had a good time at that point, I cant say I made memories which hurts, a lot. When I truly ask myself why I didn’t make any memories, I feel its because I think I have got myself to a point where I dont want to feel anything anymore because everything I have been feeling recently is negativity and I just dont want to feel that way any more.

I wanted to start taking care of myself more, but its just not happening, I am not looking after me & putting me first. I want to get some positive space back in my life, I want to actually start to feel something other than exhausted, sad, angry, tired, stressed. I want to enjoy food again and eat because I enjoy it not because I need it to survive.

So what am I going to do – I genuinely dont know, but something needs to adjust in my life and I feel if I can get myself back on track personally then I hope that will start to seep through to my work life and I will start to get that work/life balance again. I am going to try removing myself from technology when I am in our bedroom, I want to start writing again more and reading more, I enjoy doing that and its a release for me & perhaps is a reason why I haven’t been able to get control lately. I have started to look at affirmations and giving myself things to remind myself of every morning, switch up my routine to include doing things I enjoy just generally start enjoying myself again.

I feel like this has been a complete ramble and that is a very accurate display of how my brain is working at the moment, just a mash of a lot of things and nothing really is getting completed.

I have so many great things coming up over the next couple of months and my favourite time of year is just round the corner and I feel like if I dont do something now then nothing its going to get better. So although tonight I am alone as Matt is working late, I am going to for the first time, leave my phone outside of the bedroom, I am going to write down 5 affirmations to read every night before bed and every morning when I wake up.

I will beat this funk that I have got myself in and I will get back to me.

Photo A Day – January 2015

You May Follow Me On Facebook Or Instagram & Already Have Seen Some Of My Pictures From This Month, But I Wanted To Share With You All So, So Here We Go……..

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Confusing Diets & PCOS!

OK, as you know for as long as I can remember I have been on a diet of some decription – mainly Slimming World! However, I have a new issue – I have been doing SW for so long that I CHEAT and only to myself! I dont count syns, I eat more A or B options than I should and get annoyed when I dont see any results on the scales!

Recently I have been researching what diets are best for people who suffer with PCOS, as for anyone who has followed this blog from the beginning will know after reading will know that I was diagnosed with this condition when I was 16/17, so almost 10 years ago!

I have read up of the typical symptoms of PCOS and can see myself in them so much & I want to do something to reduce these for me today, tomorrow and 10 years time! Here are the common symptoms of PCOS as per the NHS Website:

irregular periods or no periods at all
difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate)
excessive hair growth (hirsutism) – usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks
weight gain
thinning hair and hair loss from the head
oily skin or acne

What i didnt realise is the risks that having PCOS can impact, women who suffer from PCOS are more at risk of the below as well:

type 2 diabetes – a condition that causes a person’s blood sugar level to become too high
depression and mood swings, as the symptoms of PCOS can affect your confidence and self-esteem
high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which can lead to heart disease and stroke
women who are overweight may also develop sleep apnoea – a condition that causes interrupted breathing during sleep

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Out of that list of 10 things, hand on heart I can say that at least 4 of those effect me and I want to do something about it, I want to be healthy for me. The big one that scares me on there is the difficulty of getting pregnant, I would love to one day (not in the near future) have a child and become a family with my significant other, but just like learning to save properly, I need to take this into my own hands and get something into action NOW!! Sitting around for the next 2 years carrying on as I am wont get me to a healthy weight range, it wont stop the excess hair growth, it wont stop my hair being thin, it wont stop my moodiness (especially about my weight) and it wont take the risk of diabetes or high blood pressure away either!

I have been looking at diets online and its really confusing, what is the best one out there and what should I be doing for me. Some of you will be reading this and saying ‘it depends on the person, different things work for different people’ and yes you are right, but unfortunately I am not the sort of person that can read a diet and go ‘Ok I know what I can/cant eat now’ I am not a good cook, so I need something written down so I know what I can and can’t do – which is why a slimming club worked for me, but I just dont think Slimming World is the right place for me at the moment.

As I write this, I have made the decision that I am going to book an appointment with my GP and get this all under control, request to see a dietician/nutrionist to help me things moving and get this show on the road! In the mean time, whilst I await an appointment (because it takes FOREVER!) I am going to cut carbs, diary & junk food out of my diet and keep exercising and just try to stay focused on the end goal. I know I can do this, I have lost the weight before I just need something or someone to help me this time…..maybe going back to Slimming World will help?!

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Plot Twist!!!

When I first started writing this post, I thought my whole life was changing and it is but not as badly as I first thought! Initially just over a week ago told me he is going to be working away almost 5hrs away up north and that he would probably be home once a month, but wanted me to come up there or us meet in the middle.

When i found out, I was devastated, I felt like our relationship was on its way to the end and that I was going to lose the most important person in my life!

However, as always things do change and his boss has managed to find them work close to London, so now instead of not seeing him at all, I will get my weekends back with him & he will become a “weekend warrior”! This will only be potentially until Christmas, then he will be working in the west country, but still able to come home at weekends. So things aren’t as bad as they first imagined!

I am a massively independent person and enjoy my own company, so this time during the week I will have I am going to try and spend more time with my girlfriends. I am also going to use the times that I am seeing Matt as goals to hit a milestone in weight loss/dropping a dress size. I want to use the time constructively in the gym and focus 100% on dieting properly and focusing, Matt &I will tend to eat out quite a bit, but this will mean I get to save money as well.

I am fully aware that we aren’t the first couple to work like this and I am pretty sure we wont be the last, so I am gonna suck it up and deal with our change in circumstances the best I can! However, those of you that get to spend every night with your significant other or get to see them more than 2 days a week – don’t take it for granted, because you never know, once day it might all get taken out from under you!

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