This post has been really hard to write, mainly because I just dont have much energy at the moment just feel exhausted to make the effort to do anything. Most days I just want to be in my PJs watching re-runs of friends and just not using my brain. But today, when I was hanging out my washing I realised it was October and that the past 2.5 months of my life have just gone by in a massive blur and I feel like I have just been carried along and not really living it.
Do you ever feel like that, where you are just watching your life go by but aren’t really in it?
I have had a difficult couple of months at work, I wont go in depth as I cant, but its been tough and really pushed me to my limit, tested my strength and I have got to the point where I have been generally just worn down. Initially I was solidering on and found it easy to let work end at 5pm and leave everything at the door, but over the past month I have found my attitude and approach at work has got to a place where I am constantly negative, stressed and exhausted. I like to think that I am the type of manager that can keep a game face on, but even that has slipped recently and I have noticed that whilst at work I am not the person I know I am normally & I have morphed into someone who I never wanted to become. What makes it even worse is that I have noticed this is seeping into my personal life & whilst I still think I am putting a good face on things, I am just going through the motions.
So whilst there has been a truck load of stuff going on at work, there has been a truck load of stuff going on in my personal life that I dont even think I have had chance to process. I turned 30 in August and whilst I know I had a good time at that point, I cant say I made memories which hurts, a lot. When I truly ask myself why I didn’t make any memories, I feel its because I think I have got myself to a point where I dont want to feel anything anymore because everything I have been feeling recently is negativity and I just dont want to feel that way any more.
I wanted to start taking care of myself more, but its just not happening, I am not looking after me & putting me first. I want to get some positive space back in my life, I want to actually start to feel something other than exhausted, sad, angry, tired, stressed. I want to enjoy food again and eat because I enjoy it not because I need it to survive.
So what am I going to do – I genuinely dont know, but something needs to adjust in my life and I feel if I can get myself back on track personally then I hope that will start to seep through to my work life and I will start to get that work/life balance again. I am going to try removing myself from technology when I am in our bedroom, I want to start writing again more and reading more, I enjoy doing that and its a release for me & perhaps is a reason why I haven’t been able to get control lately. I have started to look at affirmations and giving myself things to remind myself of every morning, switch up my routine to include doing things I enjoy just generally start enjoying myself again.
I feel like this has been a complete ramble and that is a very accurate display of how my brain is working at the moment, just a mash of a lot of things and nothing really is getting completed.
I have so many great things coming up over the next couple of months and my favourite time of year is just round the corner and I feel like if I dont do something now then nothing its going to get better. So although tonight I am alone as Matt is working late, I am going to for the first time, leave my phone outside of the bedroom, I am going to write down 5 affirmations to read every night before bed and every morning when I wake up.
I will beat this funk that I have got myself in and I will get back to me.