July 1st…..

Its the end of a very long July 1st.

I wanted to write today, something that I hoped would encourage others to speak out and realise that we aren’t as alone as we sometimes think. Then life happened, another shit show. We had a leak, a flood, call it what you will. Basically the bathroom tap was running when I returned home from work. Bathroom was flooded, it had gone through to the kitchen and also somehow through the wall cavity and pissing out into the lounge.

There has been water everywhere tonight and if I am honest, because I was the last out its my fault. So I have failed. I have messed up. The house is just a mess.

I don’t want pity or reassurance from anyone. This is just another life event and lesson I have to learn. What this doesn’t help is my feeling of insecurity and not feeling good enough.

That is something I am trying to fix.

My day started off with a call to a counselling service. I completed a 30 minute assessment with a lovely lady on the phone. We talked about why I feel I need counselling and what I am expecting to get out of it. I cried, I said things out loud that I don’t think I have ever said or admitted to myself and I felt like I made a massive step in the right direction.

That is what this post was supposed to be about. That after however many years its been, I am finally doing something to fix me. To help me start to love who I am, learn that I am good enough, I am worthy and that I matter.

I take on so much, where I worry about other people and want to fix them, support them and be the best friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, colleague, employee etc. that I can be. I do this so much that I then forget about me. I can’t remember the last time I put myself first or felt that I could share my troubles with someone when I know they are already having a tough time. I am always putting others first.

I recognise thats not normal. We should all feel able to talk to our closest people around us. We should all be able to prioritise our own self care.

I am making steps to make sure I can do that. Because for me, holding it in means I am not helping anybody. I cannot look after anybody until I start to look after myself.

Please, if you are struggling, feel like your drowning, feel overwhelmed, lost, alone, scared speak up. Don’t hold it in. Speaking from experience, it will consume you and eventually you hit a point where you forget how to love yourself.

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Wonderful

I have had a pretty awesome March, I have seen a lot of friends and family & done some pretty cool things. However, even with all the good stuff, I have had moments where I have really struggled. I have felt lost and confused about what I should be doing, what I want from my life and where I am going.

Then, Sunday I jumped out of a plane, I did my skydive finally and I think its what I was waiting for all this time. The feeling of jumping out into the air was like nothing I have ever experienced. Feeling the wind against your face and knowing that there is nothing but you and the peaceful sky was incredible. As we glided through the sky, I could see for miles and there was so much green around, there was no stress, no anxiety, all my worries and fears just melted away. The world is so much more than all the silly stuff I have been focusing on and I shouldn’t be letting that consume me.

Then today, on the way into work George Ezra’s new song Pretty Shining People and for the first time today, I really listened to the lyrics…..

Me and Sam in the car, talking ’bout America
Heading to the wishing well, we’ve reached our last resort
I turned to him said, “Man help me out
I fear I’m on an island in an ocean full of change
Can’t bring myself to dive in to an ocean full of change
Am I losing touch
Am I losing touch now?”
He said, “Why why, what a terrible time to be alive
If you’re prone to overthinking and
Why why, what a terrible time to be alive
If you’re prone to second guessing”

I am on a island, my island, surrounded by change too scared to dip my feet in the water to see if it will feel good. By not wanting to dip my toe I am holding myself back from experiencing new things and growing as a person. So I am going to start dipping my toe in the water, embracing change and rolling with the waves!

 

Before 40

You all know that when this blog started it was all about 30 things to do before I turned 30, then shortly after turning 30 I decided there was a few things I wanted to achieve – more goals than anything else. However, over the past week or so I thought why not create another list (I do love a list), so I can look back when I am 40 and see what I have achieved!

Here we go, in no particular order:

  1. Learn and practice Yoga weekly
  2. Travel to Monterey CA & see Orca in their natural environment
  3. Learn how to dive
  4. Road trip round Texas
  5. Tour Buckingham Palace
  6. See the Rockefeller Christmas Tree
  7. Listen to country music in Nashville
  8. Write a book
  9. Own a property abroad
  10. Travel to Canada, see Bears in the wild, Lake Louise & visit Niagara Falls
  11. Take a cooking class
  12. Go on a cruise
  13. Save more
  14. Pick a year and go somewhere new every month – new restaurant/city/country/hotel
  15. Pick a year and take a picture each day

I think that is probably enough to keep me going! There are more personal things I would like to achieve, but I am going to keep them for me – I don’t want the pressure!

What do you want to do before your next big birthday?

Emma xx

It’s Been A While

Last time I posted it was a quick post, just some thoughts I had and things that I wanted to share. That’s pretty much how last year went with my blog, I stopped trying to post regular content that I didn’t care about & started posting when I felt strongly that I had something to share.

2018 was a roller coaster of a year, it was full of so much laughter and so much frustration all in one go! There are a lot of things that I will look back and remember fondly in 2018 including moving into a new decade.

So we are 5 days into 2019, I have been thinking today a lot about what I am going to achieve this year – I have never been someone for setting resolutions, but there are goals that I have for this year. So I thought I would share them with you!

  • Sky Dive – FINALLY!! I booked in to do this in August and it got cancelled due to poor weather, but I am going to re-book for Spring and I will jump out that bloody plane!
  • Go back to Yoga – its been a few years, but I loved it before & it has been proven to help PCOS. So this year, I am going to get back on it and become a master of zen!
  • Get to target – for so many years I have wanted to get to target, my life has been consumed by a number on the scales. 2018 I finally started to like what I saw in the mirror, but this year, this year I am going to hit target when I feel comfortable & not when the scales tell me I should.
  • Save – Save – Save! I ended 2018 with £46 in my savings account – how poor is that. £46 , what a shambles. This year I want to regularly be putting money aside so that I have a back up if I need it, or perhaps a pot so I can book that last minute holiday or buy that pair of jeans.
  • Read – I love to read & I am one of those people where I either read 10 books in 10 days or read nothing for 6 months. So this year I want to read more, I want to read at least 1 book every month. Send me your suggestions!!

So there you have it, things I want to achieve in 2019. I know I wrote a mini bucket list on here a while back, I am going to take a look this evening and see what I can add, perhaps I will do a 40 things before I am 40!

What would you like to achieve in this fresh new year?

Emma xx

It Takes A Village

Recently we celebrated my brothers 21st he had a big party with his nearest and dearest. It was lovely to see our family friends, people that have been there through our whole lives.

I have been reflecting on so many of the nice things people were saying about my brother that night and the kind words they said to me as well. I have taken a step back and when I think of everyone that was there that night and on my 21st, each and every one of them have helped my mum and dad mould my brother & I into the people we are today.

That saying it takes a village to raise a child is so true! My parents have been gifted with some phenomenal life long friends & our wider family is one of the closest I have encountered. All of those people have really helped to shape the people we have become.

I then realised that Matt & I are part of other peoples villages. We could and are shaping youngsters that are around us, impacting their lives, helping build their characters. Completely unknowingly we could be playing a part in what their future will be.

How magical is that!

When I think about raising a child, I look around who Matt & I have in our lives and who will be part of our village. I know that we have some of the most wonderful friends and family that we adore & I am confident our village will be the loudest, happiest, funniest & full of love – I cant wait.

But most of all, I hope our village when we need it, will be just like the one that has helped raise me. Because without every single member of the village that has surrounded me with love, I would not be who I am today.

I dont say it enough, but Thank-you!

Emma xxxx

New Beginnings

Wow, can you believe its November?! It is the 11th Month of the year and for those of us that wanted to achieve great things this year, time is quickly running away from you!

I am super excited that its November, we are closer to being able to play Christmas music, the weather is getting colder (FINALLY) and its even more acceptable to close the door when you get in and not leave the house again until you have to go to work the next day. However, there are a lot more exciting things happening in November & it has dawned on me recently, that its a month of new beginnings!

For me, I have a new start coming at work, I step into a new role for maternity cover. Its still a management position but will give me a new challenges and the opportunity to learn more about the industry that I work in, whilst one of my lovely friends has her first baby and starts a new life as a family of 3 (or 5 if you include the doggies!).

One of my closest friends is starting a new chapter in her life as a married woman, after a whirlwind romance and finally finding her soulmate she is walking down the aisle mid November to the love of her life. I cannot wait to spend the day with them, celebrate their love and wish them well as they step forward together into married life.

For the first time EVER, I am going to have all my Christmas shopping finished and completed by 30th November. I refuse to go into December with presents still to buy. I want everyone crossed off my list so that I can spend December wrapping, writing cards & making the most out of the Christmas month and not being one of those people rushing round at the last minute.

After feeling like I haven’t seen the past few months, I am going to make sure that I take the time to really slow down and enjoy myself this month & make the most of everything that we have planned. I dont want to look back at the end of year and feel like I wasted half of my year on feeling negative.

So November, lets kick start the last part of the year with nothing but happiness and positivity.

Emma x

Humble

I am not sure when it started, but if you have been reading this blog for a while you will know I don’t hold my head high when it comes to friendships and I often wonder if I am good enough or think that people wont be interested in in spending time with me. For the LONGEST time I was unsure of what I was going to do for my recent birthday celebrations, I knew I wanted to do something with mine & Matt’s parents but apart from that I wasn’t sure. However, I bit the bullet and arranged a girls day out in Brighton making sure that the train tickets I booked wouldn’t be void if people dropped out at the last minute. Then, I am not sure what came over me I decided I would have some friends over the day after my birthday for a few drinks and nibbles, I invited quite a few of our close friends and family members but I was sure as hell that not everyone would be able to come along.

Stood in my kitchen Friday night in the middle of celebrations, Matt turned to me and said ‘Em, we have gone from thinking we would have too many chairs to not enough, look how many people are here for you.’ I was so truly shocked and humbled that the majority of people turned up for me, I couldn’t believe it. Then when Sunday rolled around and almost all of my girls were there with me, I had the best chilled out day filled with laughter I took a step back and couldn’t believe how lucky I am.

You all know that I don’t go on Facebook a lot, but I logged in on my birthday knowing that some people will have put a comment on wishing me happy birthday & I wanted to thank them. However when I logged in to see so many comments and kind words I was bowled over by people’s kindness that they were showing to little me – don’t even get me started about the amount of people that sent me gifts!

I have known all along that I have some of the best friends that you could ever ask for, but do know what this birthday really showed me? That there are so many other people who care other than those people right under your nose & that if you let them in you really will have a life that is filled with love, laughter & happiness.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me to celebrate my 30th birthday, I am so humbled by everyone’s generosity, love, kindness & time you have given up to join me!

Sending you all an abundance of love and kisses

xxx