Its the end of a very long July 1st.
I wanted to write today, something that I hoped would encourage others to speak out and realise that we aren’t as alone as we sometimes think. Then life happened, another shit show. We had a leak, a flood, call it what you will. Basically the bathroom tap was running when I returned home from work. Bathroom was flooded, it had gone through to the kitchen and also somehow through the wall cavity and pissing out into the lounge.
There has been water everywhere tonight and if I am honest, because I was the last out its my fault. So I have failed. I have messed up. The house is just a mess.
I don’t want pity or reassurance from anyone. This is just another life event and lesson I have to learn. What this doesn’t help is my feeling of insecurity and not feeling good enough.
That is something I am trying to fix.
My day started off with a call to a counselling service. I completed a 30 minute assessment with a lovely lady on the phone. We talked about why I feel I need counselling and what I am expecting to get out of it. I cried, I said things out loud that I don’t think I have ever said or admitted to myself and I felt like I made a massive step in the right direction.
That is what this post was supposed to be about. That after however many years its been, I am finally doing something to fix me. To help me start to love who I am, learn that I am good enough, I am worthy and that I matter.
I take on so much, where I worry about other people and want to fix them, support them and be the best friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, colleague, employee etc. that I can be. I do this so much that I then forget about me. I can’t remember the last time I put myself first or felt that I could share my troubles with someone when I know they are already having a tough time. I am always putting others first.
I recognise thats not normal. We should all feel able to talk to our closest people around us. We should all be able to prioritise our own self care.
I am making steps to make sure I can do that. Because for me, holding it in means I am not helping anybody. I cannot look after anybody until I start to look after myself.
Please, if you are struggling, feel like your drowning, feel overwhelmed, lost, alone, scared speak up. Don’t hold it in. Speaking from experience, it will consume you and eventually you hit a point where you forget how to love yourself.