Tell Me

I have decided to write this, not for attention or because I want people to stroke my ego or anything but I just want to write it out and maybe someone will recognize that they feel the same and it may just help them.

I love meeting up with my friends & family especially if its been a while since we have seen each other its great to be in their company and really makes me feel content. However, I cant help but feel that I have nothing to offer them, perhaps that’s the wrong phrase, but I am not sure how else to word it. Every time you see a friend or a family member they ask how you are (easy to answer) and what you have been up to and that is the one I struggle with. I always feel like they have much more excitement going on in their lives that is worth talking about, or more recently I haven’t had any new news to share I am just living my life in my gorgeous little home with my lovely partner – there is nothing new. Its just making me dread being in social situations and really not wanting to talk about myself at all.

Yes, I suppose the biggest news I have is that my driveway is now finished and thats great and after being in our house for just over 2 years and the biggest job its a great feeling to be finished, but thats it. No-one else finds it exciting, yes they will be pleased for me but its not as exciting as a pregnancy, a baby update, a new puppy, wedding plans etc. yes friendship shouldn’t be about competing but it should be about having something to bring to the table surely?

I find myself sitting there around people avoiding questions about me or changing the topic of conversation on to someone else so the attention isn’t on me and my nothing news. Tell me I am not the only one?

On the odd time that I will have news and updates and things to share I get really excited and then come away deflated because my past behaviours that I have mentioned above has meant that people dont expect me to bring anything so I find that they then don’t bother asking me anything. Its really difficult for me as I am finding as I am growing older and really developing into myself especially since moving out, that I am quite a private person and I dont really like to share a lot. For me, I think it stems from past friendships where I have been burnt, let down, used or just abandoned. I know there are 2 sides to both stories and I figure I am not a perfect friend, but those experiences have left me cautious to really show the real me in case it goes wrong again.

I have realised when writing this that I have some sort of lack of confidence in my friendships, I am sat here wondering why anyone is friends with me and then saying to myself that I am being stupid and of course I have things to offer people. I just need to sort my head space out and realise that no matter how much or how little I have to talk about my real, true friends will want to hear it.

I really need to overcome this feeling of rejection that fear that I am not good enough or worthy of their time. Okay, my news might not be as exciting as theirs but they obviously want my company and care about me, so I need to sort this out. I am seeing a friend this weekend (its currently Monday), I have known her for around 7 years now and researchers say that means your friendship will last a life time, so I am going to be more open and try to let go of my fear.

Tell me I am not the only one who fears rejection by their friends. Tell me I am not the only one who worries they aren’t good enough. Tell me I am not the only one who appreciates their privacy.

Tell me I am not the only one who’s partner is their best friend.

Love

Emma xx

 

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March

Wow, the 3rd month of the year! How quick is this year going already? Its crazy!

For the past 2 years I have done a “month off March” period to cull my poor eating habits and just challenge myself. This year I wasnt planning on doing anything, but after Matt & I saw the British Heart Foundation advert for dechocx and we decided that actually lets do it.

So for the past few days we both have been Chocolate free, however I have also been sweet, biscuit AND crisp free.

In my slimming world group 2 weeks ago I made the decision to go back to basics AND challenged myself to have my 1.5 stone award BEFORE we go to Cuba in May!

Matt & I both encourage each other witb naughty eating habits so I know this month will be a challenge BUT it will do us both some good and I know it will help me stick to plan and get me closer to reaching my goal!

My aim is to have at least my 1 stone award by the end of March!

Have a great March xxx

Self Love

Recently I have been wondering if I have stopped caring about myself, my nails aren’t done as often as they could be, I don’t wax my “beard” as often as I used to and I honestly can’t remember the last time I brought myself some new clothes.

It has left me wondering, when did I fall out of love with myself?

I am going to slimming world, but even that after all the times I have been going over the past 10+ years, I have never struggled so much to lose weight and I am wondering if I have just resigned myself to thinking that I can’t?!

If I don’t love or care for myself, how can I expect others to?

This really hit me when we were getting ready to go to Budapest, normally I would have waxed my beard, put a new coat of nail varnish on my fingers and toes and perhaps brought something new to wear whilst we were away.

I didn’t and it was almost like I couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in, don’t get me wrong owning and running a house is hard work and that combined with a busy and sometimes stressful job means that I don’t want to come home and put myself through the pain of waxing, I would rather come home and write or watch a movie.

Then I considered if actually I am just getting a bit more comfortable in my skin and that what they say is true, the older you get the less you worry about what others think. However, I know that is not true, if it was I wouldn’t be pushing my GP and the entire NHS into doing something about my hirsutism and helping me to reduce my PCOS symptoms. So I have come to a conclusion.

I have stopped loving myself.

It’s true, the signs are there as they are with any relationship or friendship. The effort has stopped, I don’t put myself first (although that has never been the case), and I feel unworthy of nice things. I need to turn it around; I definitely feel that is why I have got myself in such tizz lately.

The Girl Power You are Enough Manifesto. | I promise to not be an asshole to myself. Hell, I promise to love myself. I will remember that my self-worth is not based on what I look like, how much I weigh, how many followers I have, or any other stupid crap that has nothing to do with who I am. I will empower other girls and women. I will be kind. Fiercely kind. I will have a sense of humor. I will do my best not to gossip, create drama, or judge others (or myself). I will remember that just...

Now painting my nails used to be my thing I would experiment with different styles and colours, for me it was a great way to be creative and just have some down time – Christ I even did a mini blog called Mani Monday a couple of years back – perhaps I need to get back into that routine? But whenever I did my nails, I felt good about myself, I felt that even if my excess hair was bad or I wasn’t happy with my appearance I knew my nails were always “on point”.

Why did that ever stop?

Self-waxing is horrible, painful and just takes a lot of courage, however I did this because I couldn’t afford the money to go and get waxed whilst saving and I also became unhappy with my beautician and if I am honest I actually felt embarrassed about having to going there. Now however, I still don’t have a lot of spare cash & I live in a different area so could find a new beautician, but the embarrassment of having to go for that reason is still deep inside.

I need to get over that.

It is their profession and they will have waxed worst areas! So I am going to check out beauticians in my local area and the prices and start taking care of myself a bit more, I know the hair has a massive impact on my self-confidence and my feeling of self-worth so if I can get that back under control it will be a step in the right direction.

We often are too harsh on ourselves and expect us to be capable of living a perfect life and have everything rosy with no problems. However, it is unrealistic, we will all fall out of love with ourselves at times and it is ok to recognise that, let’s just not set up camp and live there. I have been & if I am honest I have been living in that self-loathing camp for a while now but it’s not a great place to be.

So with a swift kick up my own backside, I am packing up my tent and moving on to somewhere better. Where I can be happier, stronger and more confident, a place where if I perhaps show myself and my body a little bit of love, it might show me how great it is in return.

I won’t lie, it won’t be an easy journey and I am sure I will make some backward steps along the way, but as I said in a previous post about my goals for 2018;

This is my year and I am NOT going to turn 30 as unhappy with my body as I have been in my 20’s.

Social Media

Well that is 1 month away from social media, I avoided Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Snapchat and my life feels so much better for it.

Image result for goodbye social media

Here are somethings I have learnt about myself since being “offline” for the first month of the year.

1. I am now actually present. When we sit down to dinner, watch a movie, see friends or if I am just reading a book I am present, attentive and alert. My mind isn’t on my phone, wondering if I have any new comments or likes, its in the moment enjoying other people’s company or actually paying attention to the book or movie I am watching. There is no mindless scrolling and being distracted.

2. Oversharing. I haven’t done this for a while, but I dont feel the need to share every part of my life. I update my friends when I see or speak with them and I am grateful for this platfrom that I can share my life with friends we dont see often or family. However, I really dont miss the oversharing that happens on social media, do I care that you had a Burger for dinner? No not really, but I would read it and probably like the picture anyway. Oh your in hospital & have updated your status to tell the world, I would hope as my friend that you would text me to tell me so I can talk to you privately. I just dont see the point in posting things for likes, comments and appreciation from people that you dont know or haven’t seen or dont even like – dont even get me started on “instafamous”.

3. The Hurt. Its no secret that everyone is passive agressive on social media, or will be a keyboard warrior at some point during their time – we have all done it including myself. You will post a status, quote or photo quite clearly throwing some shade at a situation or person knowing full well they will read it and it will envoke a reaction. It may then end up on full on rant between the 2 on your chosen social media platorm or the offendee may just take the high road and not retalitate but secretly end up in a world of pain behind closed doors. Either way, who is that helping? If you have an issue with someone, talk to them about it face to face or over the phone don’t air your dirty laundry in public, surely we are all better than that? Personally, I just dont see the point in it and I feel its led us all to revert back to being kids in a school playground – when are we going to start acting like adults?

4. Missing Out. I had MASSIVE FOMO at the beginning, I felt I was missing out on things that people would just post on social media assuming everyone would see and that would be the update. However, I soon learnt that actually if it was something I needed to know about I would find out one way or another. However, the only thing that may draw me back is the groups I was part of, that helped me to feel empowered and boost my confidence – that’s the only thing I want to see, I dont want to see the crap.

However, in light of all the negatives that I have realised social media has brought to my life over the years, it allows me to keep in touch with family and friends around the world that I dont see as often or perhaps we dont talk to a lot and that is the side of social media that I really do like. I have thought a lot about my return to social media over the past few weeks and I have made the decision that its not healthy for me to have the apps on my phone. I will fall back into the same trap that I was in before so I wont do it, its not good for me and its not good for my relationship with my friends and family & I actually find it really irritating when people sit on their phone mindlessly scrolling when they are meant to be spending time with me.

So, moving forward any Facebook interactions I will make will be when I am using my laptop or iPad, Twitter & Snapchat I can live without. However I am undecided about Instagram, I do like to see people’s photos and I am more selective about who I follow, so I am going to see how I go without it for a little longer & actually if I am continuing to be ok without it then so be it.

I never thought 1 month away from Social Media would have such a big impact, but it really has and for the better. So if you are thinking of giving something up for lent, dont give up chocolate, give up social media you will soon remember how life was without it!

Image result for goodbye social media

Love

Emma xx

Goals For 2018

Mid-December I found myself wanting to set myself some goals to achieve in 2018, not resolutions but things that I want to do to better myself, physically and mentally.

Whilst a lot of people will make resolutions, a lot will also not keep them and fail. I have never really set a resolution, not really, perhaps half-heartedly when I was younger and often said I want to lose weight or save more but like many I have never really kept to it.

However I want 2018 to be better, it’s the year I turn 30. I want to enjoy this year and I want to do things for me and to stop this horrible trait I seem to have picked up of putting others first and forgetting about me. I need to heed my own advice and do more things for me and learn to speak up and say that I am not happy or that I have been hurt.

So I have thought long and hard about the things I want to achieve in 2018 and thought I would share these with you and perhaps inspire you!

Image result for working on me

Do More Writing. I love writing and always have done, its part of the reason why I blog. It keeps my mind focused and is a source of release for me. I have always been more creative that intellectual, always into music or reading (not so much art!) and I loved deciphering poetry at school as well. Over the past couple of years I have dabbled in story writing, just little chapters here and there when I have ideas, an avid daydreamer it’s a lovely way to bring stories to life. I would love to one day have something published, I am a long way from that, I am not where near being publish ready, but I want to write more, I want to get my stories out there, I want people to read more. So, my commitment to myself this year is to write. That might be blogs or stories but either way it’s about time that I started to do more of what I enjoy.

Read More. This really goes hand in hand with writing, I find the more I read the more inspired I am, it opens up my imagination and I drift off into another world. There is nothing I love more than to immerse myself into a good book, but I don’t give myself enough of a chance to do it. I am constantly checking my phone for social media updates or reading fake news, it doesn’t make my brain work and it doesn’t inspire my imagination. It’s easy and boring. So this year, I want to read more, I want to lose myself in worlds that talented authors have created, so send me your recommendations!

Be More Proactive. Last year I found myself waiting to be contacted by friends to meet up, not wanting to bother them in their busy lives to see if they have time for me. Then I would get upset if I hadn’t seen people for a long time or worse, I often got upset when I got let down at the last minute as I felt it was me that people didn’t want to see. However, I am starting to ignore the negative feelings that my brain keeps coming up with and remind myself that I am enough and if people don’t want to spend time with me then that is their loss. Although I am not an innocent party in this, as I mentioned above I don’t put myself out there as much as I could, so this year I am going to try to be more proactive put myself out there and arrange more things with my friends. Yes, it may mean I need to take some knock backs but with every knock back you just need to build yourself up stronger. So friends – be aware, I am coming for you!

Stay Healthy. I did a lot of work on myself in 2017 to kick start being healthier, I went back on Metformin to help with my PCOS and I started Slimming World to keep track of my weight. I am really pleased to say that I started 2018 lighter than my first weigh in back in June. I have lost weight, not enough that you would notice, but there has been a decent amount lost. However, my aim is not to lose weight, its to be healthy. So this year, I am going to try to be more active, I am not joining a gym or committing to exercising. However I might take a lunchtime stroll a few times a week, wear my fit bit more so I am aware of activity levels, keep going to slimming world, and drink more water. Those are all the bog standard things you can do, however I want to take care of my mental health too. I am not someone, to my knowledge, who suffers with depression however I have had panic attacks in the past. I just want to make sure that I am happy in my life and to do that sometimes you have to check out mentally. So I am going to take breaks from social media throughout the year, I am going to stop taking my phone to bed and buy an alarm clock, write thank you cards and finally recognize things that I am grateful for.

What are your goals for 2018?

Love

Emma xxx

Fear

So you will need to be patient with me over the next few weeks/months as after every liberty shoot I realise something new about myself and learn things that inspire how I look at the world and how I can improve and grow myself. The best way for me to say this and for it to register is to write it down. So you may see a few blogs over the next few weeks, or you might not, this might be the only thing I took away!

During our circle of trust, the amazing Jen said something that at the time didn’t really mean anything to me, but over the past few days it’s started to…….

Those who fear something the most are the ones who should do it the most.

Initially, I thought I didn’t fear anything and I am quite happy to give anything a go. Well that is a big fat lie. As I write this, I can think of at least 3 things that I fear doing…..

1. Going to a group  class at the gym

2. Travelling to Asia (backpacking)

3. Skydiving

So you might be reading those and thinking really? Is that all you fear? No, it’s not all I fear – there is so much more I fear, but those things are all personal to me and my journey of improving my confidence and feeling secure in myself and who I am as a person. Those are things that I want to work on and continue to work on privately, because we don’t have to share everything you know!

So thinking about those wise words in the circle of trust and the fact that this is the last year of my 20’s, I feel like I need to own it and not let fear win. If I continue to let fear win, then how to expect to be able to grow and improve myself in other areas? I won’t, because this will always be in the back of my mind and I will always think that I can’t do it, when in fact as one of my Aunties has always told me….

There is no such word as can’t.

So, I sat Matt down and told him that I want to conquer some of these fears that I have and I want to experience something new and do things outside of my comfort zone.

Matt has always wanted to go to Asia, predominately Thailand or Vietnam but I have always been so reluctant because I dont want to back pack. If I am on holiday I want 1 place as our base and then explore from there. I am fearful that I will get lost or there wont be anywhere to stay if we have nothing booked. But where is the adventure in playing safe? So this weekend we are doing some researching! I’m not sure what we are going to do, but I am thinking potentially for us to stay in hostels to make it cheap and affordable. It is totally out of my comfort zone BUT that is when life starts isn’t it? The more I have been looking at both countries the more the thought of an adventure starts to get appealing – I had never thought of going to some of the places we have been but they have ended up being some the BEST places I have been too!

Next, is Skydiving – why would anyone want to chuck themselves out of a plane? Because of the adrenaline and the views and just the fact that you can say you DID IT! I brought Matt a skydive a few years ago and he loved it and has always joked that he would buy me one and I have always said I would never do it. Then when i told him about this he told me he brought me one for Christmas!! What am I so afraid of? I am not scared of heights, I enjoy flying, I like nice views and I have conquered a zip wire in Mexico which was 45 metres above ground and so so so scary, but I did it. So with that in mind, I am going to book it and do it BUT with a twist (although Matt thinks I should just do it for me!). I am going to do it for charity, so other people benefit from my experience too. I have thought long and hard about what charity I want to raise funds for and I have decided to do it for Cancer Research.  There are a lot of reasons why this charity was my front runner that I won’t go into, but the fact that more people are surviving cancer than dying because of it now just proves how important that research is. I will share the link in another post!

Lastly, one I need to conquer on my own. Group classes at the gym. I enjoy the gym when I go, I have a little routine but in reality its not doing anything for me and I know people rave about group classes so I want to do it. Why aren’t I? Because I worry about how unfit I am, I dont want to be the one at the back that is sweating like a loon and cant keep up. I want to go into a class and do it with ease. In reality that will never happen, I need to suck it up and do it – stop making excuses and just own it. I know once I have done it I will enjoy it and want to go back. Its just plucking up that courage. This is what i fear the most. So going by Jen’s advice, this I what I need to do more than the other 2. I have been looking at the gym classes and I have decided I am going to give Zumba a go on a Sunday. I might not like it and I might never go again…..on the flip side I might LOVE it and then go every week and this may just be the kick start to an incredible weight loss journey!

So…..there you have it. I am branching out of my comfort zone all thanks to a little bit of confidence from a photo shoot. How insane is that! 

Love

Emma xx

Our Tribe

2nd July 2017

I did it again! This week I signed up for my 3rd Liberty Shoot with Dimples & Daisies, the wonderful Jen posted on her facebook about a Tribal Art Liberty Shoot in September and again without hesitation, I had confirmed my spot on the shoot. So, here we go a countdown to my next Liberty Shoot, well it would be rude not, it has become a sort of tradition!

9th September 2017

Wow this blog has a lot going on hahahaa! I guess I haven’t really thought about it too much, I am not worried about my weight nor how I look. I have been thinking about going to this shoot natural, so not waxing my “beard” and just being me as I am……I’m not saying its going to happen BUT I am thinking about it…..

25th September 2017

Well the planning and prepping for the shoot is going to shit. I’m not happy with my outfit choices, I feel like a fat lump. Not to mention I have shaving rash on my legs, my skin on my neck is all spotty from where I waxed (yep no beard!) and I still have no bloody clue what to do with my hair tomorrow morning.

Aside from all of that, I cannot flippin’ wait! Nervous? Yes, I always am – but I know this time tomorrow I will be BUZZIN’ and nothing in this world can beat that feeling.

26th September 2017

SHOOT DAY! I had such a FANTASTIC day, it was just such a boost of my confidence and I loved every second. But today wasn’t just about me, it was about the 6 other women too that were on the shoot with me. It was so refreshing to hear and see other women building each other up! Check out my previous post here for more about this!

Aaaah What A Sexy Dressing Gown!

3rd October 2017

At lunch I get a message from the D&D Team letting me know my photo’s will be ready by next Tuesday to view! I am in shock at how quick the turnaround is – there have been no previews on their page yet so I have no idea what to expect. Nerves start to kick in. I reply arranging date/time but concerned that it wont be Holly showing me my photos. I am not sure how I feel about someone else showing my my shots, she has always shown me my photos and I think I would feel uncomfortable if it was anyone else. BUT it is Holly and instantly I feel fine again! Matt has said he will come with me this time if he is back from work in time, I secretly hope he wont be but am looking forward to his reaction if he is!

8th October 2017

Only a couple of days until I get my pictures! Although, since the shoot I am already feeling renewed, a change has come over me, I want to stop being so planned, so organised. I want to say YES more, I want to just follow the journey that life is set out. I just want to enjoy being here more. I have started to think about things that I am fearful of and how I can overcome that. This blog started because I had a bucket list and wanted to do things outside of my comfort zone, its about time that I stopped pussy footing around and did it! Honestly, I am not sure if its the shoots or the girls but something gets stirred up inside your soul each time and you just feel invincible to the world.

10th October 2017

Collection day! Last night I posted in the liberty shoot group to see if anyone has had their photos back…..I am THE FIRST! How bloody special do I feel!

11th October 2017

Oh. My. Life. I am just walking on sunshine. Last night for the 3rd time I couldn’t believe the images I were being shown was me! Lets set the scene….we were running what I thought was late, couldn’t remember how to get to Holly’s house so I was having a bit of a meltdown. BUT we go there – I was early (phew), couldn’t find a space to park the car, so I jumped out the car and Matt hunted for a space. Holly greeted me with a massive smile as always and we started to look through them straight away – I was just shocked with how confident I looked and just how content I came across. Honestly, I can remember the day and how great the girls say I look BUT you just never believe it. But I am learning to! Sooo here is a couple of photo’s that I am able to share as some are just far toooo nakie!!!

If you are looking for a safe place to be around women and you need some strength, want to release or just want a boost to your confidence. Book onto a liberty shoot, it is a safe environment where women are encouraged to share and feel comfortable and just be them. I have learnt so much about myself over the past 3 years and I firmly believe that this is down to Jen & Holly and the awesome company they have built!

Love

Emma xxx