Motivation

I cannot be the only one who has found this year they are lacking motivation? Surely not? I am not sure if it’s that I have spent the majority of my year indoors or if it’s that I am still finding my feet as a new mum and that’s why I can’t find motivation to do anything extra.

I watch (hate bloody social media) so many other new mums doing extra, becoming influencers, taking courses, finding a new hobby or starting a new business and I sit here thinking why can’t I find the time to do more? I am on the go all day, constantly especially now little bear is crawling, I don’t know how I would find the time do anything else. I do get a few hours to myself now we have a good bedtime routine and maybe 2 hours during the day when she naps BUT that’s when I tidy up, do the washing, clean, shower or just relax.

Writing that, I clearly am motivated to do some stuff, but I am not feeling motivated to do anything for me. Why.

I feel like I want to do so much, I want to achieve so much but my reality is I just can’t motivate myself to do it. Why. Why. Why.

Fear of failure.

That’s why. Fear of trying something and being rubbish at it, or it not working. Investing time, money and who knows what else for it to just fail and fall flat. Month’s ago, I put something on Instagram about having idea’s of businesses to do, I always have idea’s, tonnes of them, how many have been executed? None. Not one. Why? Because I always talk myself out of it, I am scared to dip my toe in the water. The reality is though if I dont bite the bullet and do something then I will never fulfill that part of me that is aching to be heard & used.

I follow an account on Instagram called The Liberty Lady, I have known Jen for 5 years and her energy is intoxicating. Everytime I see her I leave believing in myself and wanting to do better, more confident and just full of life. Recently she did a live and it really resonated with me. I want to figure out who I am and what is important to me and what do I love to do. Once I know this I can move forward and find that piece of me that needs filling.

I don’t know how to do it, or where to begin & honestly I don’t know if I am motivated enough to try. Again, that’s the fear element, the fear of seeing who I really am & admitting what I really want.

Have you been on this journey? How did you figure it out? What tools did you use?

Emma xxx

Reset Button

This post is going to be full of nothing but honesty, so I hope your ready!

I have decided to hit the reset button, I need to kick start my brain into thinking more healthy – for my physical and mental health. So, do you remember this post? I wrote that back in 2017, it was great and I remember actually not really struggling at all. So I have decided to try it again, since having Bella I have rejoined Slimming World and left, then joined WW(weight watchers) and left. I couldn’t stick to it and haven’t been on any form of diet or controlling what I am eating.

I am managing to maintain my weight, which is lovely but my opinion of myself isn’t very high. I am very aware that I am almost 6 months post partum & my body is 100% still healing from my c-section. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate what I see in the mirror but I know I don’t need to be this size and I know, with the extra weight I am carrying at the moment my PCOS will be in overdrive. That will account for the fact that my periods are every 3 weeks – winner – and that I have a massive mental break down the week before and the week I am on.

I am ready to hit the reset button, ready to kick start some healthy habits and ready to get my body working back to how it needs to. So here is the lowdown!

When is this happening? From 1st October to 30th November. So 2 whole months.

What are treats are you avoiding? I am going to abstain from the following “naughty” treats:

  • Chocolate (inc spread)
  • Sweets
  • Cakes
  • Pastries
  • Crisps
  • Alcohol
  • Biscuits
  • Takeaway

What about social events? In my diary I have 3 events where Alcohol, sweets and/or Cake will be consumed. I won’t cancel or decline to participate in these events. This isn’t about denying myself, but more about being aware of how I am choosing to fuel my body. So in addition, I am going to give myself 2 “free” days, where its ok to have a whoops moment or save them for any unexpected social events.

What are you doing to commit to being healthier? Wow last time this was all about steps and going to the gym. This time its about drinking more water & if I can go for at least 2 walks

What will you snack on? I will be snacking on fruits and vegetables as well as dried fruit over the course of the time frame set out. I often find that I eat because I am bored, so ensuring I stick to drinking my required amount by making use of my HydratheeM8 bottle will keep me on track.

So that’s my commitment! Who wants to join me?

Tribe

Being a new mum can be really daunting especially if you are like me and not the type of person to reach out and make friends easily. I am honestly such a reserved person, I couldn’t and wouldn’t just walk up to someone and say hi – I have far too many insecurities for that. I often wonder if that is why Matt & I work so well, he will gladly just go and talk to anyone! At a baby class this week I didn’t really reach out and talk to other mums, 1 its a bit hard with a mask on & 2 I just can’t quit do it. I don’t feel bad for it, my little bear LOVED her class and had a great time. It got me thinking, if I carry on the way I am will she follow my lead? Or will she see what her daddy is like and follow his lead and be a confident little girl, do I need to step out my comfort zone to show her no fear and not to let her grow any insecurities based on mine?

Today though I spent a few hours with a fellow mum who I met at a pregnancy relaxation class. We had only been to a couple of classes together BUT since our girls are only a couple of weeks apart we have met up since lockdown has allowed us to and its been lovely. We talk about how the girls are doing, what its like being mums in a global pandemic, what troubles us and its so nice. I am not sure who reached out to who first, if I honest it probably wasn’t me, but I am glad we have connected as its so nice to have a mum walking through things at the same time.

I am incredibly lucky, I have quite a few friends, family & work colleagues who are either mums, or were pregnant at the same time as me or aren’t mums at all. My tribe of people I can go to for support is wide, loving and honest which I am so grateful for and need every single one of them. However, I probably don’t use it as much as I should, Matt got a few of my friends together for my birthday recently and I spoke to one of my oldest and dearest friends about being a mum. My memory is hazy as I had a little to drink, but I can recall telling her that I wouldn’t admit to anyone if I was struggling or needed help, I guess I dont want to be seen as weak or incapable. She reminded me that she comes with no judgement and that I can be as truthful as I want to with her.

There are times when its tough, when I feel like I am doing everything wrong, when I don’t feel enough, when I feel like all I do is talk about my daughter. So I do withdraw, I do keep it in. I know I shouldn’t, I know I have the best friends who would want to help and support me as much as they can. However, in order to let them I need to be able to ask for help. I need to be able to reach out and say hey, today had been really shit can I call you or I need a coffee (glass of wine) and a gossip are you free. I need to start being more transparent and remember that my tribe are there no matter what and they are friends for a reason.

So in order to make sure my little bear grows up to see a mum that not only is confident in her own skin, but takes time to look after herself to ensure she can look after her. I am going to try to put myself out there more, try to ask for help (I might need more therapy for that one).

Do you struggle to reach out to people or even ask for help? Or did you in the past? How did you over come that?

Emma xxx

Better To Be Safe

Back in May Matt mentioned to me that he noticed one of my freckles on my back had a dark circle in it. I shrugged it off and said it had probably always been like it, but Matt wasn’t so sure and told me to speak to my GP. Again, I brushed it off as I said they weren’t seeing anyone so I would wait.

He kept nagging me and said it was important to get it checked especially given family history. So i relented and filled out an online consultation, my doctor emailed me within an hour asking for a picture of the freckle so he could have a look. I sent it over to him and thought nothing more, he then called again and said whilst he didn’t think it would be anything suspicious (why they don’t just say cancer I do not know) he was going to refer me to dermatology under a 2 week wait. I know from work that a 2 week wait is the cancer pathway.

I would be lying if I was to tell you that I didn’t have a meltdown. I managed to worry myself silly, thinking that I had cancer, I was going to need treatment and be unable to care for my daughter, lose my hair and worst case not be around to see my little girl grow up. Honestly I was a mess, Matt really had to work hard to talk me down and keep me grounded.

I was booked in for an appt a week later, Matt was working and they said I couldn’t take my daughter in with me, initially I didnt want to tell anyone what was going on after just losing my grandad to skin cancer BUT I needed someone to have our little girl. So I told my mum and she agreed to sit in the car with her whilst I went for my appointment. Just overjoyed she could see her granddaughter!

The day of the appointment came and I told Matt I didn’t want to go, I said that I would just leave it and what will be will be. He was firm and told me that I was to go and that all it would be was an examination and a chat & to call him straight after.

So I went, reluctantly, they were running half hr late, which made me even more nervous. The Doctor was great, he talked to me about my health and our family history and the history of my freckle which was limited! Given my recent pregnancy and the fact that we didn’t know how long it had been like it, he took a closer look under some sort of telescope thing. He then said to be safe lets get that removed, my heart sunk – did he then think it was bad?! I said ok, when will that be? I was shocked when he said they would do it there and then! Bloody surgery twice in 3 months! My face must have looked worried, he was quick to tell me that it was precautionary and he was sure that it wasn’t cancerous but we needed to be sure & if it was that we would have caught it early. He reassured me that he would do a telephone consultation with me after 6weeks.

So in I went for a little more surgery! Nice and easy this time, all I had to do was lay still and chill out. If I am honest I enjoyed the rest. It was over and done within 20minutes and I was back in the car, mum and Matt both shocked they removed it that day.

On the outside for the weeks after I must have looked really chill about it all, worried more that my scar was healing nicely and there was no infection. Underneath I was so anxious about my results, petrified that it would be bad news. How would I tell people, what if my hair fell out, I needed to write a will, I needed Matt to know what I felt was important for our little girl as she grew. I had written myself a life sentence before I had even got the results.

Everyone that I told and spoke with about it was amazing, so positive and kind but inside I was thinking, they dont bloody know if its going to be ok! Of course they are being like that, I would be saying exactly the same thing. So in the end I just kept my thoughts to myself and waited patiently.

Tuesday I got a call, my heart sunk it was a week earlier than my scheduled call. I thought this is it, I am going to find out I have cancer – they wouldn’t call early if it was good news. I asked the Doctor if I needed to sit down for the chat but he said no you have nothing to worry about. It wad a harmless freckle and we removed it all, you are fine. Just keep using suncream and try to stay covered in the sun, check your moles and freckles and speak to your GP again if your concerned.

I won’t lie, I had a cry, relieved more than anything & frustrated that I had got myself so wound up and scared.

For me, it was tough and I know that not everyone gets the same outcome I did. Now, I feel like I have got a lucky break, but it means I am more conscious about wearing suncream, being more covered up and checking myself regularly. Not just my moles and freckles but my boobs too & ensuring I keep up to date with my smear tests. Losing anyone is HARD, so if you can be cautious and check yourself regularly you may just be able to prevent anyone having to lose you.

So if you do nothing else this week, check your boobs (or balls if your a guy!), look at your body and know what is normal for you. Speak up and don’t be afraid if you have any concerns.

Its better to be safe than sorry.

Emma xx