Learning To Love Myself

1st June 2017

Walking through the doors of a local senior school, I feel numb. I know what to expect, I know the drill – but I don’t feel excited or nervous – perhaps overwhelmed by my sense of confidence and commitment. I take a seat in the new member area and Sharon makes her way over to greet me, like an old acquaintance she knows I have done this before and that I am sure I know what I doing. However, as not the only newbie that night, I listen to the new member chat intensely  ready to stay to image therapy and get weighed after. I committed to a 6 week countdown, saying to myself that every week during those 6 weeks I will lose weight, even its just 1/2lb each week it will be going in the right direction. So with a hope that the least I could lose would be 6lb I was happy. Standing on those black scales, I was filled with dread as I saw the number rise above what I thought I weighed. Being asked if that’s what you expected, I can’t imagine anyone ever says yes unless they have an understanding before. I think my response was like ‘urmmm, yeah? I am just pleased its a round figure!’ Yes, I smack bang on round stone marker (no, I am not sharing what one). Stepping off the scales and heading out confident that I do not want to ever go over that and to only go down I was determined and wrote every single thing down.

Yes, I was back at Slimming World.

8th June 2017

Stood in line waiting to pay, I text Matt telling him that I feel huge and that I dont think I have lost anything. However, he tries to reassure me, reminding me that I wrote everything down and that I have stuck to plan religiously so I will be fine. I stand on the scales……a new front number (I do a mini dance inside) then the lovely weigh ladies say ‘5 1/2lb off Emma – Well Done’. I think I must have had the biggest smile on my face EVER. I leave group adamant that I am going to get my half stone award the following week, thinking that perhaps 1 stone is achievable in 6 weeks?

15th June 2017

Had a weekend away with my sister in law a d we had a fantastic time – cocktails and yummy food what more could you ask for! So when I saw more weight drop off and the weigh ladies congratulate me on hitting my half stone with 2 1/2lb off!!! I was overjoyed, I was given not only my half stone award but slimmer of the week too! I was completely made up.

That’s 8lb in 2 weeks – not that I feel any different.

22nd June 2017

I have got complacent and started to sneak other food in, my dedication to the plan is slipping and so early in. That combined with the heat and my tablets making me feel unwell and suffering with awful headaches, I am really not confident when I walk through the doors. When the scales read just 1/2lb off I am disappointed. With myself. I know I should have tried to fight back and still gone to the gym, my body works best when dieting and exercising that’s well known with PCOS. I head home defeated by my own body and will for a better week next week.

8 1/2lb in 3 weeks.

29th June 2017

Another week of headaches and nausea and no exercise. I know I am due a gain, I have eaten more carbs this week hoping that might help my body to get to some normality. Another 1/2lb off. Another rubbish loss due to lack of commitment. I kick myself until Sharon tells the group I have done fantastically well with 9lb off in 4 weeks, that’s a little over 2lb a week. A steady weight loss. However, 1 more weigh in until my 6 weeks are up, only a miracle will get me 5lb off and I don’t think it will happen, but I commit to getting my butt to the gym and drinking more water.

9lb off in 4 weeks

6th July 2017

More exercise……less writing down…..resulted in a maintain. Feels ok, but need to better next week. My countdown has finished and I am tempted to book next week as holiday BUT I dont. I want a loss next week and must try harder – I want to go to Goodwood in a new stone bracket.

9lb off in 5 weeks.

20th July 2017

Not been weighed for 1 week, I know I will see a gain. I start to stress out about it on the Wednesday, but come Thursday lunchtime I am ok with it. I know I wont have put the full 9lb on, I know I will still be lighter than what I was a few weeks back. I brought a size 14 dress for Goodwood and the zip goes all the way up. I got this, I’m on my way. Stand on the scales….its a gain as I expected, 1.5lbs – not too bad, thats still 7lb off I am still half a stone lighter. This week the plan is to lose that and if I can a little bit more, go harder at the gym and be sensible with food choices.

7.5lb in 7 weeks

27th July 2017

I had a kebab last night……it was great! I love a nice kebab – day before weigh in, not our greatest idea but hey you only live once! So I get to weigh in, hoping I have lost some of what I put on last week……1lb OFF! WAHOOO! That’s good – I am almost back to where I was. However, I did have a non scale victory – I tried my bridesmaid dress on, its a petite 14…..it fit and zipped right up! WIN! I put on my black skinnys for the first time in a while & they aren’t tight! WIN! Now to make sure I keep losing a bit more weight and keep active at the gym. This “diet” isn’t a quick fix as when I hit where I want to be I then need to maintain it and dont slip back! Onwards and upwards for this week coming!

8.5lb in 8 weeks

3rd August 2017

I feel huge today, feeling unwell most of yesterday has led to feeling bloated a lot today. However, I pay for another 6 week countdown. That’s me committed to a weightloss each week – no excuses. For some reason this week I didn’t look in my book before stepping on the scales, completely unaware of what I weighed in at last week. I step on and see what I think is a humungous gain, for the wonderful weigh ladies to say ‘4lb off well done’. I think to say I was in a state of shock is a complete understatement. The only thing I did differently this week was write it down, good or bad it went on the food diary, that tool clearly works for me! I didn’t stay to group as had prep to do for goodwood and then find out I was Slimmer Of The Week for the 2nd time! Wahoo! On a mission to get my stone award next week!

12.5lb in 9 weeks

10th August 2017

It’s our anniversary and I decide to stay to group – we aren’t really celebrating until tomorrow night, so I allow myself an hour to myself and stay to Image Therapy for the first time in weeks. I put on 1lb, I am ok with that my weekend was completely off plan so I am pleased its just 1lb. My commitment for this week moving forward? To write it all down and come in with a loss…..I will get my 1 stone award by my Birthday!

11.5lb in 10 weeks

Soooo we are heading into the last week of August and my birthday is fast approaching! I wont have time to update this post with weigh in’s moving forward and as summer is almost over I felt now was a good time for this to go live!

The aim was never to be focused by how much I weigh and that is still the case. I don’t care about the number on the scales what I care about is how I feel and how this impact on my PCOS visual symptoms. Whilst I am not fully ok with how I look at the moment, I am starting to see subtle changes that is building my self esteem. I will get there and it will take time.

This is not a diet. I am changing my lifestyle and its a going to be a long journey but that’s ok.

Emma xx

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