I wanted to wait and post about my shoot once I had the photos back and tell you all about how I felt in the lead up and on the day, but today my writing wall was knocked down and I feel that I want to share with you all.
Today my beautiful friend Jemma and I had our River Shoot with Dimples & Daisies
, I have been really excited and looking forward to this ever since I booked it. For me it’s all about encouraging my body confidence and feeling good about myself. I have often read on the Facebook page about people being emotional during their shoot and felt disheartened that it didn’t happen to me on my corn shoot, but looking back I was so nervous and reserved I wasn’t really me.
I am not sure what come over me today, but when I was sat in Charlie’s boot getting my make-up done and she asked me a simple question of what don’t I like about me, I replied with my honest answer of my chin/neck. It was a bit red from waxing my “beard” on Sunday so I asked if she could try to do something with that and we got to talking about PCOS. I hope Charlie won’t mind when I share that she told me she also suffers with PCOS, so we shared stories and for some reason I could feel myself welling up. When Charlie was talking to us all a few moments earlier, she made a comment that really stuck with me about how we can talk to our friends and tell them how we feel but sometimes due to how busy their own lives are they don’t really listen and everyone does the same. Recently I have been feeling a bit like that and almost like I have lost my voice. I haven’t, I just don’t know how to be the friend that needs support as I am usually the one giving it. I found myself opening up to Charlie more than I have to anyone that is close to me recently about my future.
I admitted to her and myself that I am scared about moving out and buying a house with Matt, not because it is a big commitment and lots of money, I know I want to spend my life with him so that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me and more than I will care to admit is the chance that one day, he will turn around and say after a few years of trying to conceive that he doesn’t want to carry on with our relationship because I can’t give him babies and how much of a failure I would feel as a woman and as a partner. Admitting to Charlie through broken tears that him saying that is my worst fear I felt a weight off my shoulders, I realise now that I have never said that out loud, not really.
To have a hug from a stranger and be told that you are not failure and that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that others including herself have conceived even though they have PCOS made me realise that it will be ok; no matter what happens.
So I had my first emotional moment with the Dimples & Daisies
team and for some reason I entered that freezing cold river feeling like I was washing away my fears. Unknown to me I started my river journey nervous about my future and scared that 1 day I might lose everything and when I left, I still am a bit nervous, but I am more confident than I as and I know that what is meant to happen is going to happen. My body is an amazing thing that can do anything, I just need to take care of it and look after myself physically and mentally.
As great as our friends our (and I believe mine are the best), sometimes you just need a stranger to give you a hug and tell you it will be ok.
Thank You Charlie!