It’s Been A While

Last time I posted it was a quick post, just some thoughts I had and things that I wanted to share. That’s pretty much how last year went with my blog, I stopped trying to post regular content that I didn’t care about & started posting when I felt strongly that I had something to share.

2018 was a roller coaster of a year, it was full of so much laughter and so much frustration all in one go! There are a lot of things that I will look back and remember fondly in 2018 including moving into a new decade.

So we are 5 days into 2019, I have been thinking today a lot about what I am going to achieve this year – I have never been someone for setting resolutions, but there are goals that I have for this year. So I thought I would share them with you!

• Sky Dive – FINALLY!! I booked in to do this in August and it got cancelled due to poor weather, but I am going to re-book for Spring and I will jump out that bloody plane!
• Go back to Yoga – its been a few years, but I loved it before & it has been proven to help PCOS. So this year, I am going to get back on it and become a master of zen!
• Get to target – for so many years I have wanted to get to target, my life has been consumed by a number on the scales. 2018 I finally started to like what I saw in the mirror, but this year, this year I am going to hit target when I feel comfortable & not when the scales tell me I should.
• Save – Save – Save! I ended 2018 with £46 in my savings account – how poor is that. £46 , what a shambles. This year I want to regularly be putting money aside so that I have a back up if I need it, or perhaps a pot so I can book that last minute holiday or buy that pair of jeans.
• Read – I love to read & I am one of those people where I either read 10 books in 10 days or read nothing for 6 months. So this year I want to read more, I want to read at least 1 book every month. Send me your suggestions!!

So there you have it, things I want to achieve in 2019. I know I wrote a mini bucket list on here a while back, I am going to take a look this evening and see what I can add, perhaps I will do a 40 things before I am 40!

What would you like to achieve in this fresh new year?

Emma xx

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It Takes A Village

Recently we celebrated my brothers 21st he had a big party with his nearest and dearest. It was lovely to see our family friends, people that have been there through our whole lives.

I have been reflecting on so many of the nice things people were saying about my brother that night and the kind words they said to me as well. I have taken a step back and when I think of everyone that was there that night and on my 21st, each and every one of them have helped my mum and dad mould my brother & I into the people we are today.

That saying it takes a village to raise a child is so true! My parents have been gifted with some phenomenal life long friends & our wider family is one of the closest I have encountered. All of those people have really helped to shape the people we have become.

I then realised that Matt & I are part of other peoples villages. We could and are shaping youngsters that are around us, impacting their lives, helping build their characters. Completely unknowingly we could be playing a part in what their future will be.

How magical is that!

When I think about raising a child, I look around who Matt & I have in our lives and who will be part of our village. I know that we have some of the most wonderful friends and family that we adore & I am confident our village will be the loudest, happiest, funniest & full of love – I cant wait.

But most of all, I hope our village when we need it, will be just like the one that has helped raise me. Because without every single member of the village that has surrounded me with love, I would not be who I am today.

I dont say it enough, but Thank-you!

Emma xxxx

New Beginnings

Wow, can you believe its November?! It is the 11th Month of the year and for those of us that wanted to achieve great things this year, time is quickly running away from you!

I am super excited that its November, we are closer to being able to play Christmas music, the weather is getting colder (FINALLY) and its even more acceptable to close the door when you get in and not leave the house again until you have to go to work the next day. However, there are a lot more exciting things happening in November & it has dawned on me recently, that its a month of new beginnings!

For me, I have a new start coming at work, I step into a new role for maternity cover. Its still a management position but will give me a new challenges and the opportunity to learn more about the industry that I work in, whilst one of my lovely friends has her first baby and starts a new life as a family of 3 (or 5 if you include the doggies!).

One of my closest friends is starting a new chapter in her life as a married woman, after a whirlwind romance and finally finding her soulmate she is walking down the aisle mid November to the love of her life. I cannot wait to spend the day with them, celebrate their love and wish them well as they step forward together into married life.

For the first time EVER, I am going to have all my Christmas shopping finished and completed by 30th November. I refuse to go into December with presents still to buy. I want everyone crossed off my list so that I can spend December wrapping, writing cards & making the most out of the Christmas month and not being one of those people rushing round at the last minute.

After feeling like I haven’t seen the past few months, I am going to make sure that I take the time to really slow down and enjoy myself this month & make the most of everything that we have planned. I dont want to look back at the end of year and feel like I wasted half of my year on feeling negative.

So November, lets kick start the last part of the year with nothing but happiness and positivity.

Emma x

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This post has been really hard to write, mainly because I just dont have much energy at the moment just feel exhausted to make the effort to do anything. Most days I just want to be in my PJs watching re-runs of friends and just not using my brain. But today, when I was hanging out my washing I realised it was October and that the past 2.5 months of my life have just gone by in a massive blur and I feel like I have just been carried along and not really living it.

Do you ever feel like that, where you are just watching your life go by but aren’t really in it?

I have had a difficult couple of months at work, I wont go in depth as I cant, but its been tough and really pushed me to my limit, tested my strength and I have got to the point where I have been generally just worn down. Initially I was solidering on and found it easy to let work end at 5pm and leave everything at the door, but over the past month I have found my attitude and approach at work has got to a place where I am constantly negative, stressed and exhausted. I like to think that I am the type of manager that can keep a game face on, but even that has slipped recently and I have noticed that whilst at work I am not the person I know I am normally & I have morphed into someone who I never wanted to become. What makes it even worse is that I have noticed this is seeping into my personal life & whilst I still think I am putting a good face on things, I am just going through the motions.

So whilst there has been a truck load of stuff going on at work, there has been a truck load of stuff going on in my personal life that I dont even think I have had chance to process. I turned 30 in August and whilst I know I had a good time at that point, I cant say I made memories which hurts, a lot. When I truly ask myself why I didn’t make any memories, I feel its because I think I have got myself to a point where I dont want to feel anything anymore because everything I have been feeling recently is negativity and I just dont want to feel that way any more.

I wanted to start taking care of myself more, but its just not happening, I am not looking after me & putting me first. I want to get some positive space back in my life, I want to actually start to feel something other than exhausted, sad, angry, tired, stressed. I want to enjoy food again and eat because I enjoy it not because I need it to survive.

So what am I going to do – I genuinely dont know, but something needs to adjust in my life and I feel if I can get myself back on track personally then I hope that will start to seep through to my work life and I will start to get that work/life balance again. I am going to try removing myself from technology when I am in our bedroom, I want to start writing again more and reading more, I enjoy doing that and its a release for me & perhaps is a reason why I haven’t been able to get control lately. I have started to look at affirmations and giving myself things to remind myself of every morning, switch up my routine to include doing things I enjoy just generally start enjoying myself again.

I feel like this has been a complete ramble and that is a very accurate display of how my brain is working at the moment, just a mash of a lot of things and nothing really is getting completed.

I have so many great things coming up over the next couple of months and my favourite time of year is just round the corner and I feel like if I dont do something now then nothing its going to get better. So although tonight I am alone as Matt is working late, I am going to for the first time, leave my phone outside of the bedroom, I am going to write down 5 affirmations to read every night before bed and every morning when I wake up.

I will beat this funk that I have got myself in and I will get back to me.

Humble

I am not sure when it started, but if you have been reading this blog for a while you will know I don’t hold my head high when it comes to friendships and I often wonder if I am good enough or think that people wont be interested in in spending time with me. For the LONGEST time I was unsure of what I was going to do for my recent birthday celebrations, I knew I wanted to do something with mine & Matt’s parents but apart from that I wasn’t sure. However, I bit the bullet and arranged a girls day out in Brighton making sure that the train tickets I booked wouldn’t be void if people dropped out at the last minute. Then, I am not sure what came over me I decided I would have some friends over the day after my birthday for a few drinks and nibbles, I invited quite a few of our close friends and family members but I was sure as hell that not everyone would be able to come along.

Stood in my kitchen Friday night in the middle of celebrations, Matt turned to me and said ‘Em, we have gone from thinking we would have too many chairs to not enough, look how many people are here for you.’ I was so truly shocked and humbled that the majority of people turned up for me, I couldn’t believe it. Then when Sunday rolled around and almost all of my girls were there with me, I had the best chilled out day filled with laughter I took a step back and couldn’t believe how lucky I am.

You all know that I don’t go on Facebook a lot, but I logged in on my birthday knowing that some people will have put a comment on wishing me happy birthday & I wanted to thank them. However when I logged in to see so many comments and kind words I was bowled over by people’s kindness that they were showing to little me – don’t even get me started about the amount of people that sent me gifts!

I have known all along that I have some of the best friends that you could ever ask for, but do know what this birthday really showed me? That there are so many other people who care other than those people right under your nose & that if you let them in you really will have a life that is filled with love, laughter & happiness.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me to celebrate my 30th birthday, I am so humbled by everyone’s generosity, love, kindness & time you have given up to join me!

Sending you all an abundance of love and kisses

xxx

Reality

Since August 2015 I have attended therapy once a year, not your conventional therapy and its not for everyone. Most of you who know me will know what I am referring to, but for those of you that don’t its a few hours out my schedule with Dimples & Daisies on a Liberty shoot. I wont go into what they are all about, for those of you that have been reading this blog for a long time will have read all about it before & if you scroll up you will see a page dedicated to my posts about my experiences with the team.

As with every shoot, this one was booked spontaneously, I had itchy feet and felt I needed my cup refilling but I wanted this one to be something different, nearing 30 I wanted something to look back on when I am 60 and see just how beautiful I am, naturally.

For those of you that have been reading recently you will know that I am not regularly waxing the beard & that it just gets a trim when I feel its getting ridiculous. So I made the decision that this time I wasn’t going to wax it, booking the shoot just 2 weeks before I knew I didn’t have the money to go to a salon AND I have decided I will never self wax again. Did I have my doubts? Yes, of course even the day before I was thinking is it too late – should I just wax it myself? But in reality, I didn’t want the pain and I thought would I rather have a rash or the hair – weirdly that is a battle the hair won. Getting ready on the day was no different to getting ready for afternoon tea the weekend before, I did my hair and base make up & headed off to the shop.

The shoot was everything it always is, did I get naked? Of course – it wouldn’t be a shoot without it. But do you know what did happen, it wasn’t until I was stood completely starkers in a field full of corn with my arms in the air that I remembered I hadn’t waxed and that I was there feeling as free as a bird & so comfortable in my own skin with excess hair on my face, chest & stomach – partially waxed legs and well I wont talk about anything else. I remember the realization and taking a deep breath, I had shocked myself about how at ease I felt and how easy it was for me to forget that it was there.

The week wait to get my photos went by in a blur, work has been really busy so I didn’t really have time to reflect and think about the shots. However, I did say to at least one of my closest  friends that I probably wouldn’t come away with any photo’s and I would just have the free one this time as I can’t imagine I would like any of them.

I didn’t realise how wrong I could be.

On the way to the shop, I wasn’t bothered about the photo’s it was almost like I was just going through the motions, sat on the sofa with Holly surrounded by women getting ready for their Tribal shoot that evening, I started the mammoth scroll through 40 odd photos. I was maybe 10 photo’s in before I realised & remembered that I hadn’t waxed.

I hadn’t noticed & if I did my brain either didn’t register it or didn’t care.

I could have scrutinized every single photo after that, but I didn’t, I just fell deeper in love with every single one as they all represented the real me. The one that my friends and family see every day & love even with what I feel is something so unsightly. Did I have a little cry? Yes I did & Holly joined in, she then shared my story and why I do Liberty with the girls and they all wanted to see the pictures and of course said how amazing they were.

For the longest time I have felt ugly and I have let the symptoms of my PCOS define who I believe I am, but as I turn 30 in a matter of days, I am feeling more & more comfortable with myself and how I look. I am seeing for the first time what everyone else see’s, yes there will still be people that will judge based on appearance and not like what they see, but do you know what for the first time in around 15 years I am finally able to look at myself with an honest eye and say that no matter what I am proud of who I am.

So, in honor of my impending 30th Birthday, here is the real me…..just not in my birthday suite!

Corn II

I did something a little naughty the other week that if you follow my Instagram story you will have figured out, I spontaneously booked myself for another Liberty shoot with less than 2 weeks to go!

I have been feeling like I need a little pick me up for a while and I knew that some time with the Dimples & Daisies team would do the trick. I wasn’t really sure what to book myself on to or if I even wanted to do another shoot, but trawling through Instagram one caught my eye and I thought sod it, I have enough in the bank and I need this for me. Earlier that day walking round the town centre I decided I was spending too much money on food and that I dont treat myself to something nice very often, so with that in my mind I just booked myself on there and then.

So, the other Sunday afternoon I headed to the Dimples & Daisies studio in Southsea to be glammed up and head over to the Sunflower field with the rest of the girls on the shoot. We were all made up and deciding what clothes to wear when Holly got a call from another photographer to say that the sunflower field was ruined & they were all dead, the pictures were so upsetting! But fear not, they managed to source another option and we headed to Lordington Farm to have some fun in the corn!

Its not my first shoot in the corn, but that was back August 2015 and the photography style has changed so much since then and I am a completely different person now to what I was then.

FLASHBACK

Now before every shoot I would normally wax the beard and get rid of any excess hair that my body seems to love to grow, but I wanted this one to be a little different, I wanted it to be authentic. I wanted to look back on these photo’s in years to come and see the real me, the one that everyone else see’s. Believe me, there is no way to feel more real, authentic and true to yourself than being stood naked in a field of corn!

But do you know what is even stranger? Stood there having my photo’s taken, I was embracing everything the surroundings & the sun beating down on me & blissful peace on the farm. It wasn’t until about 5 minutes in that I realised that I hadn’t waxed & I didn’t feel insecure about my body or appearance at all I felt totally at ease with who I was. Sat writing this, I am in 2 minds about my photos, part of me cant wait to see the pictures, firstly how different they are but also to just see my appearance. However the other part of me is so incredibly anxious, what if I hate the way I look in them, what if it gives me any more issues with my body image and confidence? What if I go back 10 steps?

WHAT IF! 

I mean I don’t have long to wait, I pick up my photos in just over a week’s time, so stay tuned to see how things go!

Emma x